that I performed mechanically
and produced the correct effect
was apparently sufficient
was apparently success

and yet

fuck this lie
these streets
these wide eyed words

somehow I find myself in a gaggle of Germans
somehow I find myself walking by another river
somehow I hear myself articulated by a stranger
an unconscionable dick that I am forced to live with

I would have preferred to spend today in the company of one
giving and taking pleasure
and showing her just how unserious I am
instead,
somehow,
I find myself pushed into a corner -
they come with their serious questions
and I give them my serious answers
and nobody is any the wiser

on the table next to me,
two daytime tv stars speak to a reporter
and I think
fuck this shit
fuck all this gentle harmless entertainment

I think about walking to the nearest bar
to drink myself into an ever greater sense of failure
but I'm so tired of myself
I couldn't cope with such a sickening display of childish drama

A girl came up to me
and said
"I love your accent"
A man came up to me
and said
"we'd like to offer you a contract"
at no point,
as far as I can tell,
did I hear from god
or ghosts
or something better.

I feel old.
I feel older.
I want more time left to waste.
I want the energy back;
I want to be out there in the bar
finding the women
and being unserious.

I wish I was always high
Or
I wish was less successful.

I am going for a drink and a cigarette.
I will not be some time
and that's a crying shame.