still I see that image
the yellow skin
the body on the table
a sick cartoon

still I feel I am on that train
riding north
away from a woman I do not want
towards a woman I have irrevocably lost
dressed in black like a fool
thinking only of myself

still I see my sister playing cards with my mother
and I can barely write it
can barely admit it
the harrow that burdened every hand
the sorrow of my father's shaking shoulders
the horror of that hill and our pointless conversations

I said 'I'll see you soon'
but she said
'Let's just say goodbye'

some days
when the sky is dark and grey
I am still there beside my brothers
watching the wind play havoc with the ashes
making a mockery of us all
and putting us in our place


I do not really know
how to say goodbye