I am not living victoriously
when I was dreamt up
I was Alexander the pre-Great
but do you know who I became?

I became Terminal Moraine
I became Semi-Detached

these names I used to perform in public
in secret from all who knew me
to conduct vile rituals of mortification and resurrection
to fuck and be fucked
and I sang too
drunk

so I looked for a long time at Tanya as she talked
the wind blowing her Egyptian hair in such simplesatisfying ways
the wasp intent on getting in there ahead of me
and I felt the nausea return
I felt the sickness of existing and my skin began to crawl once more
this woman, just a woman, just blood and thoughts and all of us
a flash in the sky of an old raging storm
but nothing more
I have to travel

I have to travel
in the new year I have to go to Sierra Leone
not to find myself
there is no such thing
but to lose myself
to lose the constructs I put in the way of simplicity
to lose those lies I told myself to keep me safe
and dishonest and happy

I have to go and confront a war
I have to go and confront attrocity
I have to know how empty and fragile this life is
I have to see the timid force that keeps bones and sinew together
I have to see it undone
and I have to stop being so intent on finding meaning

I have to learn to embrace even more women
to take even more naked bodies in my arms and whisper more honestly
I have to go somewhere where there is a summer and strong sun
I have to go somewhere I can breathe
I have to go somewhere else
anywhere but here
and I am taking my brother
who having returned from India
needs to leave immediately

I am not in love with anybody
I am at war