You are scaring me

I was no noble man, but she was no unwilling saint
we went down together because sometimes
bodies must collide
I tried hard not to think of you
as my hands and eyes worked over her thighs
I tried not to think of you as I kissed her breasts
and neck
she deserved much better
but she was no unwilling saint
and she wants me to tell you
that I have become desperate

I was no gentleman as I held her in my arms
and she fell asleep smiling
I was thinking about you
what difference it would make if I had you to hold
I wondered if I'd have lasted quite so long
if love had been involved
I fell asleep around 5am
and for the first time since this terrible obsession of mine began
I dreamt of you
you were in the window of an unfamiliar cafe
I was reading the paper
you were an advert in the corner of the page
I looked up to see you in the window
and you and I exchanged a look of concern
you do not love me,
dear

When I woke up I had you on my mind
and in my throat and chest and on my tongue
and I felt disgusted with myself
she lay there naked by my side
and I felt no regret
for taking what I could have left
I felt no remorse for fucking just to keep par for the course
and I felt no shame in letting her do the same
but what cut me up
was your distance from me

Have things become so desperate that I'm going to want you too
in my sleep
that when waking up
I'm going to wish I'm still in dream
and you are by my side?

I want you too much
I want you far too much
Yesterday I knew that you are not the one I love
I have embellished you
added in the ideal
distorted what you are and made you what I want
and I felt satisfied that given a little more time with you
my heart will come to accept this truth.
But the truth is
it's gone so far that if you are not who I dreamt of
then I am very very
fucked