I'm not working
I haven't slept for 48 hours
No,
I'm going back in time instead
You see it is possible after all
if you just close off the woken world
and concentrate

back to Norwich
back there to ride that bus and reread Cohen's
dirty book
back to the house
to hold you in the garden
as you name your future children

I knew they would never be mine

further back to Strasbourg
back to the Gutenburg
back to that night I made you cry
as ever
back further
further
to the first night
the band are playing
you shine pretty in the dim light
this is York
is she looking?
she's looking!
I think this could be the start of something special...
I remember this
the aching and the longing
so tedious now
and back there
right then
I abort our love
I abort our life together
I abort us
listening clearly to the timid doubt
that grew so steadily and strong
to have me abort our love together
when you'd invested everything
your heart and soul
all those things that now
have gone

God I've destroyed you haven't I?
Fucked you up
Given you an eating disorder,
slit wrists,
a regret that eats away at you.

This is my Thomas Hardy moment
where I forgo love
just to be decent
live my life in secret regret
to save her

but it's not right
and I'm not so noble
I'm just cut wide open right now
bleeding everything
ungracefully
so naked
more unclothed and more exposed
than I have ever been
no longer covered in that heavy coat
of undone acts and unformed words
which shielded me
the new born
boy,
those years ago when more things seemed to live
than die.