I turned the volume back up
went back to the drinking
and the late nights
the bars, the women,
the music
it is still as fucking intoxicating as ever

but it won't remove you from my mind

I stopped communicating with you
tried to move on and forget about you
there are plenty of others I can have
you're nothing special
I tell myself

but now and then
in the early hours of the morning
as I am dancing in the shadow
or fucking in the dark
a creeping regret sickens me -
what if I have been wasting precious time?

because all the time you are out there,
sparkling,
your eyes alight,
and I know that just the smallest contact
would set me ablaze once more

what if I could have you still?
is the nagging doubt that sickens and sours

how can you be so wrong
and yet so necessary?
Here I am
at the peak of my powers
kneeling for a minor player
but then again
you are all the court I ever want
I am always holding everyone
but you are the only one to hold me
To turn from captor to captive
is a thrill
and your strange hold
even now,
despite all change,
holds and cuts me still.