The Shadow Cabinet

2008-05-06T23:47:00.003+01:00

I torture myself wondering
what if you got the wrong end of the stick?
what if this is one of those horrible misunderstandings -
one big mistake?

I recall the nausea that came
when reading those Thomas Hardy novels
as a teenager.
You have no idea now
how much I despise those stories -
I would go back and make him straighten out each horrid twist of fate
I would make him bring joy
where the bitter sadness
and overwhelming despair
sapped all hope

But I am wrong.
The horrid truth is
there can be no mistake.
You know I love you,
if you do not,
there is no language between us
anymore.

But there was language between us
We spoke our souls,
we nailed each other.
You caught me in your eyes,
I was your dream man.

You have turned away from me
with your beautiful brown eyes
wide open.
This is the true tragedy,
the true living nightmare.

Yet here is the hope:
there is no fate to twist.
There is a God,
My God,
the Lord of history
and He is behind all things.

Even in all this pain,
this terrible senseless pain,
there is yet sense,
and purpose,
and one day I shall return to this page
to praise His Name.

I want you who reads to know
I nearly killed myself because of this misery.
I want you who reads to know
I nearly died in the despair that followed in this heartbreak
and I am heartbroken now.
Burnt in the summer sun and surrounded by friends,
I am yet dead and hollow.
Life is a pain.

I want you to know this
because even here
where there is no hope
where there is no light
where only death seems to offer a break
from the pain of my loss
even here
there is hope.

I will not write again
until I can truly thank God
for taking her away
until I can say
I could not see the purpose at the time
but now I see how it had to be that way
Praise God.

Lord,
let it be soon.
In your mercy,
Let my return be close at hand.

Psalm 103

Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

2008-05-06T23:28:00.003+01:00

How do you stay so silent
for so long?

the night comes in again
resets the sands of time
and when it rolls away
I will ache myself senseless
in the sunlight

but you,
how do you feel
about all these passing days?

I kissed you.
Remember when you walked away,
angry and in tears,
you walked off the Strand
down towards Temple station?
Remember that?
I walked away too,
shaking my head - how could you be so volatile?
how could you be so crazy?
And as I turned a corner on my way home
there you were,
against the wall
crying.
I thought you had already gone home,
but I looked at you in anger,
and I walked on.
Remember what you did?
Remember what you did next, my love?
You ran after me
and you threw your arms around me
and you buried your head in my chest
and you cried
and my heart broke
and I put my arms around you
and I kissed your head
and I wiped away your tears
and I told you everything would be okay
and I took you home
and I made you so happy that night
and in the morning
we laughed together
and planned out our entire life.

remember that?

I don't know if you even think of me.
You do not so much as breathe
in my direction
any more.

I hear rumours of rumours of rumours of you,
my wife,
my wife.

It has taken so long to make that secret known,
our marriage,
our secret marriage,
and the commitment that you made to me,
that I made to you,
that you so longed me to make.

Now when people hear
they will understand why I am stunned
that for no apparent reason
you turned around one day
and said
"There is no love!"

although you didn't say it,
did you?
You sent me a text.

And just days before,
you had told me of your dream -
you wanted to be sitting at a table
with me,
and the children we had made.

What kind of woman are you
that talks of children and undying
life-defining
true love one day,
and walks away forever
the very next?

I knew you more intimately than anyone.
I was the world's leading expert on you,
your mind,
your heart,
your spirit.
You confided all things,
gave all things,
became devoted to me.

And now,
you are gone.

I am still utterly devastated,
and still feel that I will never recover.

2008-05-04T16:06:00.002+01:00

every minute
the pain rises
so I turn
every minute
I turn my eyes
away
to other lies

she is the ache
that keeps me awake
my death is so drawn out
the soundtrack finished an age ago
but the film flickers on
let's leave this place
this scene is worn out

my eyes hunger
they settle on so much female flesh
so many pairs of breasts
so many eyes to meet
so many thighs to kiss
my hunger continues unabashed
as always before
but now I do not carry out a single conquest -
now I battle only with myself
to stifle the urge
to stifle the surging rush of unadulterated want,
desire driving me beyond borders
I did not wish to meet

I do not win so much these days
in fact
I fail
God have mercy
Lord, is there a limit to your grace?

I miss her Lord
and there is no word -
no word each single day
so I now live in eternity
and I die there too -
I am not living how you want me to
nor am I living how I used to
It turns out
perhaps there really is such a place as Limbo
and I am there
suspended in mid air
half crying
half swearing
half naked
half stripped and beaten
I am the man who began to fast
after he regretted everything eaten
but not until
he had tasted all things
all flesh
and all kinds of sensual and mouth-watering
death

Lord am I lost again
or this time
am I beyond?

Lord,
why do I hear nothing at all?

Why am I in such pain still?

Where is the rest,
the reason,
the relief?

Forgive me,
please rescue me
from myself.

Nothing is happening
It is happening
Again.

2008-05-02T18:58:00.002+01:00

all the photographs
too much to bear
her, sitting there,
sitting pretty
waiting to hold me
and to laugh

the cruelty knows no bounds
the days go on and on and on
each day another nail in the coffin
each day a new depth of the same pain

2008-04-29T13:29:00.003+01:00

I met my good friend's ex
she said
"You look the same, you haven't changed"
I noted she had put on weight
A good sign

As we crossed the traffic by Angel station
the phone in my pocket rang
and answered itself
I put it to my ear
to hear my ex
"Hello" she said
"How are you?"
She told me she had met a man
She told me she was really happy
I explained that I was very pleased
but was crossing perilous traffic -
I would speak to her later

But she wouldn't go.
She said:
"So how are things with your girlfriend? What was her name again?"
My heart sank.
"That has all gone by the way, down the drain"
I explained.
Her heart sank
"Oh God I'm sorry"
she said,
and I tried to stop her from feeling guilty.
I was glad for her,
but Oh God
for the woman I thought I should be with,
for the woman I ache for each hour,
Oh God
I'm sorry
and sometimes I wish the traffic would grind me down into the dust

I returned home to tell my friend
his ex was moving city
he was upset
they do not talk
it cuts him up
They were together for seven years
may as well have been married
because now they are very much divorced

I went to bed early.
There was a time I never went to bed
never went to sleep
I'm glad that time has passed
but some things will not change:
I go to bed, but I do not sleep.
All I can do these days and nights
is pray.

I lay awake the whole night
thinking about her.
While meeting my friend's ex
she moved her shoulder in such a way
in such a way that it reminded me of my Love
that it stopped me mid-sentence
and I was broken again inside.
All night I though about this
the little mole to the left of her nose
which I would kiss
she would be shy and blush when I looked at her
her nose would wiggle
her shoulder would shrug in that familiar way
and I would find her too gorgeous for words
I ache.

When the morning light came
there was no release.
Just the dread of repeating these patterns again:
wake up,
cry out to God
combat suicide,
cry out to God,
go for a run,
shower,
fail to shut out a thousand memories of good times
a thousand questions of how and why
fail as I turn the water off
to find hope
beyond falling to my knees
and pleading once again
for the thousandth time
for mercy.

That dread is well founded
for this happens
as routine.
Then I sit and do not work
respond to emails and do not work
regard conflicts and write reports and do not work
and I crawl back to my room
and on my knees
in swelling tears
I say
"I cannot go on"
"Still, I cannot go on. Will you bring relief today?"
And I hope,
but still,
it has not come.

Oh My Lord
please bring the good
which surely must come -
please bring the good now.

2008-04-28T11:46:00.002+01:00

I miss you too much
The love causes me pain that I find hard to bear
I don't know what to do with it: I cannot kill it,
And I cannot give it to you
It simply sits
rocking in my chest

Honey I have too many good memories of you
I made you laugh too much
I made you smile too much
You paid me too many compliments
You talked of love too much
For me to let go

I am the rope around your ankles
so it must be God
holding on the other end

Lord
please don't let it fail like this
please bring it back
please restore
or better,
rebuild,
and let me write here
words of celebration.
Let me write them here
soon.

Psalm 6

2008-04-24T17:15:00.001+01:00

LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.

Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?

Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.

My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.

The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.

All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.

2008-04-23T15:30:00.001+01:00

Pain
such pain
come back

2008-04-23T12:18:00.002+01:00

I woke up this morning
and realised
it has been two months
since I last heard her voice -
this was the first thought to pass through my head
and it cut me up
before I'd even left my bed

Oh Lord I miss her
I love her more each day
I want to hold her
and kiss her
I want to look after her,
spoil her,
make her laugh,
make her happy,
I want to smell the sweet scent of her soft skin
the perfume caught on her neck
and make her nervous in anticipation of my touch
again
Lord I am sick of being in love like this -
please help me.

Please help.

2008-04-23T00:13:00.002+01:00

I'm an author
and that's a fact

and I play guitar
play piano
but I'm just not avant garde
and I don't try so hard
the music stays put
in my heart

But I'm an author
and that's a fact
and I never used my real name
in a public place

Listen people
listen sister -
I love a woman so much
too much
it's killing me
really

the worst of it is
she loved me too,
so much,
for so many months,
and now she's gone
- and now she's gone
I haven't fallen out of love,
no - it's grows stronger

the worst of it is
since you've gone
I've fallen deeper in love
that's so cruel
that's too cruel

listen
I didn't find God
God found me
and he stopped me living for Her
and dying for Her
- I need to live for Him
because He died for me.

But He knows I'm broken hearted
and far from perfect
and he pulls me back
when I am on the edge
he cradles me
keeps me breathing.

I've never wanted anyone so much
never loved anyone or anything so much
- I could die, so easily die, for this
but he keeps me back
Oh God,
thank you for keeping me back
from the stupid senseless acts
of a man in love
of a desperate man
not used
to a broken heart

I don't know how to live without her
But I will
and God will lead me.

2008-04-21T01:31:00.003+01:00

God
it is to you that I must aim my apology:
I am sorry
I know I should not have given up so easily,
should not have quit
I have found myself incapable of completing the task I was set
and time has run out.
I know I am going to have to take what is coming -
I always try to ride my luck -
find a way out -
but not this time.
This time
my way out
is to stop,
which is no way at all.

Between here
and my home -
the cold Waterloo street
and the night bus route -
please intervene to deliver me.

I know I don't deserve your grace -
you give,
and all I do is waste
but you are a God of mercy,
of love
and in this I still have faith.

I don't know where it all went so wrong -
I'm not sure why life became so tough
but I know you will lead me out
You will not leave me here,
victim
to myself.

2008-04-21T00:58:00.002+01:00

I keep returning
to that point,
that over-worn point,
that final speech of Job,
that desperate reckless resignation of Jonah
"Throw me over the edge now,
I'd rather die than live this pain."

I am seated in my local heart,
a local time,
a local place,
a local pain,
and I make grand statements of everlasting forces
great gestures of eternity and life.

Yet knowing my limits
knowing this is all in hand
is not enough.

I need to believe this is for the good.
I need to be excited,
encouraged,
delighted that Your will is being done.

Instead I act as though it's all gone wrong
and if you turn it around,
well,
that's the only way this could ever make sense,
that's the only way there could ever be joy.

But what if this is it?

What if You are calling me to find my joy here,
in the storm,
in the dark,
in the pain?
Would you make that call my Lord?

I am confused
and all I know
is that I am broken
and in pain
and that I serve you poorly,
in fact,
I automatically attempt to serve myself.

I ask again
that you would have mercy,
help me,
forgive me,
give me hope and strengthen me.

I know that will sense will come in this,
I know you will give me reason to shout for joy.

You are my reason Lord,
let me see it.

2008-04-20T23:49:00.002+01:00

why is it
that all the dark truths of her
cruelty
unveil themselves to me,
yet she wanders on
blissful in her misery,
scornful and cutting,
as free as the foolish breeze?

I love her,
my God.
I love her
and do not want her to go on
like this.

Have mercy Lord,
please
have mercy.

2008-04-20T23:22:00.002+01:00

what has been taken away
is enough
to cause me to reconsider
the terms of my engagement with the world

that's such a sad
that she meant that much
even though you,
My God,
are with me,
and if you are with me
what have I to fear?

I have much to lament
Lord Jesus,
you were a man of sorrows,
and I follow
imperfectly

I cannot see sense in it
nothing to moderate the pain
nothing to diminish the sting of cruelty
from which I suffer

Oh God
all of her love -
her stated love -
and all of her words about You -
were they all to bring about
such great pain?

Is this where all that joy
ends?

I do not brace myself like a man.

I sulk and kick my feet against the ground.

Just deliver me from these work-constraints
help me make the deadlines
I say,
then I'll suffer better under the unbearable pressure
of her loss,
I lie.

My God,
why has she forsaken me?

Father,
she is just another imperfect soul
I should not expect so much,
I should not expect love
though she spoke so much of so much love
and told me
"He changed me"
when she talked of You.

I don't really know what I'm doing here Lord
typing at the top of this central London office block
at 11.30pm
am I here to move the story along
am I letting you down
am I rebelling
or is this part of the plan?

My Lord
I lack the right heart
the right faith
the right trust -
I'm just broken,
no matter how many times
I know it will all be okay
one day

Forgive me for these terrible words Lord.

2008-04-20T22:30:00.002+01:00

My father
my dependence is more than embarrassing
more than a shame.
In all things
I seem helpless.
Please come to my aid,
yet again.
I am failing, Lord,
failing yet again.

2008-04-19T00:51:00.003+01:00

I wish your former self
were here to witness this
to see the horrors unleashed
by your future self

she was beautiful
she would deny the world
to keep this day from coming

You deny so much
but there is no court to try you
there is no law to catch you
you commit the perfect crime
and you are not condemned
now that you have built
a shame-free world

but I do not want you to stand trial
I do not want you found guilty
I do not want you punished
your pain
is my pain
my enemy is events
I can have no revenge
against time

no,
I want you to know what you have done
I want you to have a heart
and I want you to be sorry
so that you can return
to the human being you used to be
so that your heart will be softer
and those around you will see
you really are beautiful

I never expect you to love me again,
but I have hope
your cruelty and self-deception
will relent.
I still love you, honey,
for all that you have done to me.

I wish your former self
were here to witness this
to see the sadness you unleashed
and all the promises you broke
I wish your former self were here
to give me hope

But I do not need the past
or the future
to know there is one, great hope
that cannot be dampened by my hopelessness
or your cruelty and lack of love.
God holds the reigns in his hands
and he will steer everything to
good.

2008-04-19T00:20:00.002+01:00

Lord
life is making me sick

the sadness that she has left in my heart
the tears she has left in my eyes
they halt me,
stop me dead,
and I don't know if I can carry on,
honestly

Lord
I never knew love before
not really
and now that it has been removed
I don't know how to carry on,
not really.
Everything looks so much paler now,
everything looks so pale
and feels so cold to touch.

I do not want my love to be taken away by time
I do not want my memories to disappear into silhouetted sunsets
Oh God
do not let my recent history of love
succumb to the obliterating holocaust

I was so good at romance
so good at playing the cards
my kiss was expertly applied
my words and touch struck well and heavy
but now
I am a shadow of the tomb
of the man I used to be
I became a child
again

I know I could have my spark back
I know I could make them all smile and laugh
I know I could be clever
and win more awards
I know I could win fair ladies with the faintest of my hearts
But I do not want to,
I have no desire
my hunger for life
and my will to go on
drain from me
with each passing minute of her absence

Oh my Lord God
it feels like
she has killed me

After all the pain I've come through
is it really her
that brings me down?
Truly I've been humbled
it was the sparrow
that broke my wings

My phone rang
an hour ago
I thought it could be her
my heart jumped
and then sank
when it said
"withheld"

So much is withheld from me Lord
her love,
my future,
her love,
her sweet young love
that still lies warm within me
but now stings to touch

Oh God
once again I hit the pit
stumble to my knees
and wonder
why go on?
why live without her?
and once again
I know these are false questions
that I do not really mean
for she is not my reason for breathing:
you are, Lord
and You are my salvation

Oh God
sorry that I fall again
as I do every hour
every day
sorry that every time you put me back together
I fall apart
sorry that I find it so hard to hope in a world
in which she does not love me

it's such a strange world
it makes no sense to me

My God who would have thought I could even cry?
never mind cry so many tears.
I almost wish I could go back
to the nightclubs and the hard heart and the naked flesh and cheap thrills
but no,
I will never regret where I have ended up,
I rejoice in where you have brought me.

For even here,
in the dark of my utter desolation,
in the hour where I feel life dripping away needlessly,
warmth draining from me,
I see the glory of your love
the power of your hand

I know one day all will be revealed
I know you will disclose
what for so long has been concealed
I know you will lead me out of this,
you take the knife from my hand
and you pass me bread -
come eat
you say
and we are companions,
you and I,
Almighty Creator,
Lord God.

I am so far below you,
so far,
but in your love and mercy,
you make me your son,
your friend,
and though I cannot see why -
you love me.

Thank you God
for keeping me going
when the tears just roll so foolishly,
so recklessly
and I want to murder
thank you Lord
for your truly, truly amazing
grace,
when all is lost and forsaken
you are there
Delivering your lost souls.

Oh God
how I wish I could be lifted up with you now
when life becomes like this
if she is never to hold my hand before you
never to look at me in love
put her arms around me with affection
how I wish I could be spared the pain
of this heartbreak
but my God,
not my will,
but your will be done.

I know that you work out what is best
even when I cannot see it.
I know that I am suffering
and there is no point in denying it
but have you not suffered?
Sometimes
needs must.

Forgive me for the broken words
save me from the darkness
make me sing again
in Love.

2008-04-18T16:45:00.002+01:00

father
why is it
that everywhere I look
I see Indian eyes
where ever I walk
I hear Indian voices
singing sweetly
like a knife slicing my flesh
as welcome as a kick in the teeth?

my Lord
why is it
that whenever I begin my work
I soon wander to thoughts of her
whenever I check my emails
I see the photographs she sent me
her words of love
her little kisses
and I want to go back?

Each time this happens
I have to go through the whole process of grief again;
the shock at how she has cut me off
and cut me up
My fall from her grace
was it also
My fall from your grace?

These questions arise each time.
And how could she do this?
How can she be this other person,
how can she sleep?
How can she live with herself?
How can any of this even really be?

This isn't really happening
My dumb dumb heart mouths in the quiet morning hours.
Then I awake to the awful horror
The I awake to the real mourning
The scattered bodies and limbs of my hopes and love
I live in the site of a massacre
where my realities
where all my strengths and smiles and breaths and words and arms and joys
were bludgeoned in their sleep.

I will never sleep again,
oh
I will never sleep again
by your Grace my Lord God.

Father,
help me back up again I pray.
Please help me to love,
to forgive,
keep the anger down
and the bitterness away.
I yet love her,
and I will love her complete.

My Lord,
rescue me.

2008-04-18T13:01:00.004+01:00

My God understands the cry of dereliction
My God is patient when I shout at him in anger
My God loves me when I care nothing for him
He knows my pain,
He knows how it feels to cry out in despair, when all seems hopeless.
My God knows the tearing of a broken heart
My God knows I am only human,
Knows I am up and down,
Knows I am inconsistent,
Knows I am fragile and impatient,
He knows every single aching thought
And every feeling in my heart,
Yet he loves me
Completely
and he always
Helps me.

My God
is God.

2008-04-18T12:24:00.003+01:00

I'm amazed Lord, how brutal she has been
How cruel and unfeeling
her heart hardened,
so cold now that I do not recognise her
I am amazed Lord
that I still love her -
that each day,
I love her more.

Was it not in this very room
that she put her arms around me and declared
"I have never been so happy"?

Was it not between these very walls
that she talked of children, of names, honeymoons
and old age?

Was it not in this very room that she pleaded with me
"Never cut me off - always be my friend. I could never bear it if you fell out of love with me, if you stopped talking to me. No matter what, be my friend"?

Oh Lord,
how strange it seems then
to be in this very room
knowing how she cut me off, how she treats me as a stranger, how she has no love for me no more.
I have been cut out like a cancer,
though once I was her joy.

I am amazed Lord
how each day
I love her more
though there is no hope -
she does not love me,
she makes me a stranger,
she intends never to see me again.

I amazed each day my God,
that I still yet hope.
My heart will not admit defeat
my spirit will not lie down in despair.

Could it really be that I will hold her again?
That I will kiss her again?
That she will return,
her heart made flesh,
my tears no longer bitter?

Surely not.

And yet,
my heart hopes relentlessly.
And Lord,
I cannot help but hope in you,
and your mercy
and your grace
and your power
and your compassion,
for it surrounds me -
you deliver me and you protect me.

In your hands I see your power
and I am more than comforted -
I dare to hope,
I boldly dream.

Oh Lord, do not let me hope for that which will not be -
do not let me dream such dreams that break my heart anew.

But if there is reason to hope,
please bring the victory soon my God.

But most of all,
my Father,
most of all,
let me never stray from you.
Let me never lose sight of you
and your love.
Let me hold onto you
as you hold on to me.
Whether I see her again,
or never see her again,
whether she is forever absence,
or returns to torture me some more,
let me always cry out in pain to you.
and let me always end in praise to you,
for you are truly Lord of all,
and you do not abandon me.

Jesus,
I hunger after you,
I long to know you
and to know your love.
I long for you to take her hand again
and lead her back to your light,
your life,
your warmth.
I pray in my heart
even in spite of myself
that you would lead us both together,
back together,
but not my will,
but Your will
be done.

2008-04-16T18:45:00.002+01:00

Father
sometimes during the day
I still lose the will to carry on
All the air escapes my chest
and I fear that I won't have the strength
to draw the next breath

Oh but Lord
I know I must
I know this pain, which had torn so much
will not last forever
and I know that this night
will not last forever
and I know that my mind will not always
torture me with memories
so freshly formed

sooner or later, my Lord,
things will get a little easier

My Father,
until then I ask you for strength
to keep me going,
to keep my head up

Let me look to you and find my strength renewed
whenever I see her pretty eyes
or hear her gentle voice
whenever I smell her in the subway
or pass her in the night
let me look to you
and find relief,
find delight

Oh God
the pain is so often just too much
and even with all these people around me
I can feel so alone
without her.
When these times come
remind me of your grace
remind me of your love
let me know that you are always beside me
you are a shield around me,
and that even all this pain and suffering
will be brought to so much
good

I pray for her
that you will be with her
and heal whatever wounds have made her heart so hard
give your warmth to her cold
give her your honest word
and your perfect love
show her your amazing mercy
show her what she has done
and what you have done
show her your perfect love.

May she cry tears of joy
may she delight in You
For if I love her this much
How much greater do you
She is the apple of our eyes
She is so pleasing in my sight
and Lord I know she has done wrong
and caused such pain
but lead her gently Lord I pray
and show her mercy swiftly.

I cannot lie,
I would ask that you would lead her back to me,
but I know this is a poor hope
and a sad hope,
but I cannot try to hide my heart from you -
I ache to hold her once again,
but not my will Lord,
but your will
be done

My God,
whatever may come
be with me
and keep my eyes wide open
How great you are, Lord,
how great you are -
I will never have the words,
but may I never tire of trying

2008-04-16T16:11:00.003+01:00

She bought me an Indian shirt

She woke up beside me

She brought me to her church

She sang beside me

She bought me a token of her love on Valentines Day

She cried in my arms

She brought me to her parents house

She prayed for me

She bought me her Bollywood music and left her earrings on the bedside table

She lied naked before me

She brought me to my knees, to my wits end

I thought about killing myself

She lied to me

She bought my heart at such a cost and discarded it so cheaply

I prayed for her

I went to the end of the line to see her home safely every single night

She cut me

I wiped her tears and fought her many battles

I spent all my strength on her joy

She cut me

I sang for her

And I nearly died for her

But no more,
No more.

There will be no more wasted love,
no more wasted sacrafice.

I love her
and will not stop
But I have not put all my hope
in her

it is madness
to expect all joy
from one human
soul

To God I return
who in Grace
and such a strange way
brought me to him
through her strange and cruel delivery
who in his Love
picked me up
when I would choose to die
who picked me up
when I thought I had already died

She bought me an Indian shirt.

He bought me life.

2008-04-15T15:29:00.001+01:00

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40: 25-31

2008-04-15T11:42:00.002+01:00

I am just waiting for my brother
to leave the flat
then I will have space and time
to myself
to fall apart

I will fall apart before you
again

Will you meet me this time?

This time,
will you pick up the pieces
and put me back together in such a way
that I will not fall apart again?

Oh God,
My God,
remember me as you remembered Hannah,
remember me as you remembered Hezekiah.

I am not as faithful,
nor so trusting,
but I seek you just the same,
and I am broken just the same.

God,
you see all,
know all,
please have mercy
and come.

2008-04-15T11:31:00.002+01:00

I just want to go back
I don't want to wake up again
with the world like this

God
I don't want to live
no more
not like this

I don't want to die
I want to live
a life less painful

no word from her
no word from you
I ache here and wonder,
what am I to do?

You know that I cannot go on anymore.

I keep thinking about the bridge,
but what's the point in jumping?
It goes nowhere,
nowhere.

Neither living nor dying
helpless against this torture
I am at once angry and weak
furious and frightened

I am so broken,
but is there any point any more
to endless writing this here
or telling you in tearful prayer
when nothing changes?

Thing's just get worse.

She was the most beautiful and amazing thing in my whole life
I couldn't believe how lucky I was,
how blessed.
Now she turns to my greatest pain,
each day I wake up sick,
wishing I had not woken up,
wishing for release.

God,
do not abandon me
do not forget me
do not leave me like this
please,
I beg you.

2008-04-15T11:14:00.004+01:00

honey
why?

return.

return,
all is forgiven.

2008-04-15T10:05:00.002+01:00

How?

What's the alternative.

What do I do?

Is this living?

What is on the other side
that I cannot see
or hear?

What is it that gives hope?

What is it that makes all this pain and brokenness worth it?

I don't know how to ask any more
I don't know how to lift my eyes to you
to plead
to weep

I have wept
I have begged
I have poured out my heart
over
and over
and over
again

The music plays
to stop me from wanting to die

The computer is on
to distract me from the pain

but no relief
no release
and how is it
that hope abounds
even here
in this hour which has lasted
for two months?

Yet there is hope
and there is relief
and you do save
and you do lift up
and you are full of compassion
and you are full of mercy
and you are full of grace

how is it
that this has happened
and is still happening?
how am I to survive
until the day I can look back
and praise you for your
mercy?

these words surely add nothing
to the flood of words and tears
poured out to you every hour
every day
right here
so where do I turn now?
where will my relief come from?

Or should I just die?

No,
never,
never Lord,
and you are not a God of pain
of suffering -
you suffered pain
that I would not have to,
you died in supreme love
and returned to life
in supreme love,
such power,
the power to change lives and undo them.

Oh God,
it is because I know about your power
and your grace
and your mercy
and your enduring love
that I am floored, here,
that I am decimated -
because I know you can wipe away these tears,
you can change this night to day in a word
you can deliver me from tears of pain
to tears of joy,
and yet,
each day,
I wake up with the same horror
and the same misery
and the same aching harrow
and I fall to my knees before you
and pour out my heart
and cry
and break
and call out for some relief
but still,
it goes on.

Have you turned away from me?
No,
you do not turn away from those who seek you.
Do you want me to suffer?
No,
your love is greater than any love I can imagine,
your mercy and compassion beyond comprehension.
Are you powerless to stop this?
No,
you created all things, and to you, all things will answer.
What then,
where then,
am I left?

Confused,
broken,
alone.

Or are you with me,
My Lord?

Surely you are beside me even now
as I type,
surely you are within me
and over me,
as I weep and moan before you.

Oh God
I am not working as I should be
I abandon my duties
and I cannot keep up the pretence before my brother any longer
must I fall apart publicly now also?
must I go even further down
than rock bottom?

Lord
since you came into my life
I have known the greatest pain
and the greatest loss
of all my days.
Joy turned to misery
hope to despair,
all things soured,
and now a day of blue skies and sunshine
means nothing to me.
Forgive me,
Father,
because I have failed to trust you,
because my faith is so weak,
because I am so vulnerable
and human.

But I know you forgive me Lord,
and I know you went through much greater suffering
and I know you will deliver me,
even now,
when I hate each word I type,
when I am scared to finish these words
because I fear I will return to the familiar and deafening
silence
in which I do not hear you reply.

Oh God
I cannot deny
though my life itself seems wrecked
you are yet real,
you are yet there
you are yet good and loving.
Though everything would seem so wrong
I cannot deny that you will bring good.
Though I hate my days
though I cannot bear to go on
I know you will bring good
You will not abandon me
You will not leave me to suffer for long
You will not ask me to die
though my heart fails
and my faith is weak
you will meet me on the water
stretch out your hand
and catch me
Just as you have done
so many times
My God.

2008-04-15T10:01:00.000+01:00

No more.

No more
too much.

2008-04-15T09:16:00.001+01:00

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

2008-04-14T23:21:00.002+01:00

come pick me up
I think I'll be sitting in the shower
slumped against the wall
sobbing like a
child

come pick me up

come pick me up
I think I'll be on my knees
head down
fists clenched
meaning every word
for the very
last time

come pick me up

But you can go on
and you will go on

But I do not wish to go on
I do not wish to go on
no more
no more
I wish for no more of this.
Give me change,
give me her voice
her touch,
or break me
or change me
get me out of here.

Get me out of here.

Come pick me up.

2008-04-14T21:18:00.002+01:00

My Lord
My God
I am sorry to have fallen this low
but here I am

What more can I ask you?
What more can I say?
I have asked you most hours
every day.
I have begged you,
I have pleaded with you,
and you read my heart
and you know each word
before I know
what I will say.

Then here it is,
My amazing Lord,
here it is:
please return her to me
or else
take me away
or else
take the love away.

Father,
I cannot bear to love her
if I cannot show her my love.
Please have mercy
though I know I do not deserve it.

If there is mercy,
it is Your mercy.
If there is love,
it is Your love.
If there is grace,
undeserved in its delivery,
it is Your grace.

Oh my Father,
if I am your son,
please come to me and pick me up.

I am truly broken
and desperate
and I do not want to go on.
I do not want to go on.

My Father,
please have mercy,
I do not want to go on.

I do not want to go on,
not without your help,
a change,
oh if I could have her -
or else,
to be a different person
with another heart.

My God,
what more can I say?

You are the great God of mercy,
the source of compassion.
If you do not have mercy on me,
if you do not answer my prayer,
then I have no hope
then truly despair is my home
the murky depths my only comfort.

I await your answer
in wearied hope -
yet hope it is , my Lord.

Forgive me for my broken faith
but I do know you can help me
I know you can come now
and heal this pain.

Lord, if you are willing,
you can heal me.

Please come,
it is not too late.

2008-04-14T21:03:00.003+01:00

It's hard for you to know
who I am
who I appear to be
from these words
in fact,
you won't catch a thing

see,
to others I am quite a success
quite a breath of fresh air -
a humour,
a wit,
a man with everything together -
the world at his feet.

for some reason
I never spill these things
not that I try to keep them in,
it just never feels right
to start talking about myself
when people ask how I am
I say I'm fine
or
I can't complain

of course I do,
right here,
and in my head,
and to God,
every day.

My brother asked me to my face
and I took a risk
and told him.

He was shocked.
Nobody knows about the devastation
that goes on secretly
in my whole heart.

See the truth is
despite my apparent successes
and my good life,
I am a very broken man
for what she has done -
this alone
surprises.

I am no oil painting
no great ladies man
yet somehow
I was a ladies man
and I always landed on my feet
I defied many logics
to be very well served
in the ways man love to live.

So for him
to see me broken
over her -
he could not quite believe it.

To me
and to you
it is quite believable
isn't it.

The thing is,
it makes no difference
telling him.
It seems to help a little
writing it here -
sometimes when it hurts too much
I cannot write.
To write it makes me want to die.
But when I can write it,
I feel at least my words will be frozen
somewhere
in a time and place
as testament to my true
pain.

Because you see,
I get so little time sometimes -
a friend calls,
a crisis calls,
Africa calls,
the Middle East calls,
my father calls,
my stomach calls,
nature calls,
the electricity board calls,
the night owl calls -
and I have to put my heart aside,
and the words are lost.

But my heart will not be put aside
this time.

I am so very much broken this time.

I don't want to accept life without her.
I don't feel like I can.
I want to live,
I want to live with her.

Why care so much about a person?
Why put so much into them?
It beats me,
I never have before.
I always exaggerated,
but now it's real
as if to punish me.
No matter how undeserving she is of my love,
no matter how wasted it may be,
I yet love her more fiercely
day by day.

Can you imagine being loved like that?
By someone you loved?

That was also how she once loved me,
according to her word and deed.

So you see, part of my problem is not simply loss,
but utter, utter,
UTTER CONFUSION.

But clarity would not ease the pain.

I just want her.

I just want her.

I have to go now
and finish off a report on the conflict in Darfur,
otherwise the head of a British
intelligence service
will have my guts for garters.
That's the strange reality
of my strange life.
Everybody has feelings,
and those with a good imagination,
who have those imaginative jobs,
they feel too much,
far too much.

And I hate them.

I do not hate them.

I cannot hate myself,
just as I cannot hate her.

Oh God,
if you do not save me from this,
will I not die?
Will I not be a shell of the man I was
before you found me?

Even in my ignorance,
before you came,
I was a greater man than this.
I had control,
I was the man
they think they now
see.

But no,
I did not have control.
I was not the man they think they now see.
Nor should I have been.
For all joy is deception
and all control a lie
which is not based on you,
my Lord,
My God.

So even now,
with this girl whom I would die for,
would die for in the sparkling of her big brown eyes -
I say in confidence my God
that having her
without you
would be poverty
but having you
my LORD my God
with nothing else
is to be so very
very
rich.

Not that I feel it at all
not that I speak it
or live it.

Forgive me in my weakness
and rescue me.

2008-04-14T15:54:00.001+01:00

It's not that I don't want to live
It's that I don't want to live without her

It's not that I cannot live without her
Because I do live without her.
This is the very definition of my pain.

2008-04-14T14:54:00.003+01:00

I never used to cry
about anything

I was a real man
perhaps a crippled man

When my mother died
when I was 21
I could not cry.

Now each day
I have to fight to hold back the tears
and then the shame,
because I did not cry like this
when my own mother died.

But I do cry,
nonetheless,
and I am barely recognisable
inwardly
to the person I once was.

I didn't know it was possible
to feel this way about a woman
to miss her this much
to want her this much
not for me.
It feels like need .
This is no good.

I cannot concentrate on the complex developments
in Darfur
or the rapes
and the massacres
and the burning huts.

All I see is my own small pain
which is to me
a universe made of sea
a great gulf filled with stretched tears
in which I drown
without drowning
and am tossed around

I miss her so bad
I grow weary of beating my chest.
What does it achieve?

I miss her so bad
I do not scream,
no,
I do not even sing.
Where could it get me?

I could take so many women
and stand them in her place
I could choose another
with a softer heart
a prettier face
but it would not do;
it must be her.

I ache
and I ache
and I hate myself for aching

I despise my own repetition
the sound of my own desperation
I wish it were not so cliched
but it remains
and I am broken

I am broken
I am desperate
but still I live
I will live on
so sadly
without her
till one day no doubt
I tell myself I am better off without
but Lord,
Good LORD,
I cannot believe that,
not now.

It was yesterday that I held her
and touched her lips
It was yesterday that we laughed together
and I carried her down the corridor
and sat her by the kitchen sink
and made her smile
and made her drinks
and acted all the while
as though life wasn't open-ended
as though love wasn't fragile
as though she would be there tomorrow
as she had pledged
wearing the perfect wedding dress
she told me she had dreamed.

My LORD,
My God,
when will I feel better
about losing my only Love
about the cruelty of retracted touch?
My LORD,
My God,
when will I be a man again
and suck it up?

My LORD,
My God,
I do not mean to complain
but I feel more pain
than I can bear.
I need rescue
but I would much prefer
a miracle:

to see her once again,
in this room,
working at the desk,
humming to herself as she dreams
about the perfect wedding dress

2008-04-14T13:34:00.002+01:00

The worst thing

is waking up
and remembering
what I've lost

who I've lost

The worst thing

is those moments of forgetting -
when they end,
I am seized by terror
and nausea -
I wish to scream
and vomit.

I am destroyed each day
because my head refuses to remember
and my heart refuses to forget

You,
I don't know what you did
I don't know why you did it
I don't know how you go about your day
I don't know how you cope
I don't know why it's not a question of coping for you
I don't know you
and I know you better than you know yourself
so you see,
the impossible contradictions you have set up in my heart
break it
over and over
again

The greatest is this:
that you loved me
and that you stopped.

I cannot stop loving you
and being hurt.

I cry out to God
He is my refuge.

One day
I will emerge smiling.

2008-04-14T07:02:00.002+01:00

she will not

but
I am waiting to be restored
to the jack the lad
the cheeky laugh
the smiling love
the fine old blood
that I once was
so very recently

I am waiting for her return

she will not

but
I am not counting down
I am counting up
the minutes and hours
and days and weeks
now months
from when I last held her in my arms
kissed her
when she told me she wanted me with all her heart
when everything made so much more sense
Oh God
I am still waiting for her call

She will not

I am counting up the days
and I am waiting for a text

She will not

I am counting up the pains
and I am waiting for her mouth to say:
I made a mistake

She will not

I am counting up the many ways
this could come good
she could say:
I love you
she could realise
she could revise
we could revitalise

She will not

I am confronting every day
the truth that undermines my will to live:
She will not

I am thankful to God
for keeping me
I seek Him
and He answers
I ask for his mercy and his guidance
I ask him to sustain me
until the day I can look at these drab words and say
It was for the best
Thank God.
I ask him to sustain me

He will

He does.

2008-04-12T14:31:00.002+01:00

Not sure if I mentioned this
but I love her with all of my heart
and more of my heart -
invisible heart -
a virtual extension of my heart which seems to go on expanding
relentlessly

it feels as though I will explode in a frenzy of aching
and longing
and love and heart-break

what is so monumentally disappointing
is that I do not

no,
I live and breath,
tick tock tick tock,
running like a stubborn clock
going about my business

The world still turns
my heart still yearns
and there is nothing I can do

But God,
God can halt time itself.

2008-04-12T12:35:00.003+01:00

blessed beyond all deserved
I am surrounded by amazing friends
intelligent and beautiful
witty and reliable
how I ended up with this I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
my brothers surround me
my brothers know me
and we will not let each other fall
how I ended up with such a family
I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
my work is fascinating
my work is well regarded
great minds of renown
listen intently
how I ended up with this I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
I live in a thriving city
I live in a perfect flat
the young and fast surround me
how I ended up with this I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
I have been loved by pretty women
I have been touched by loving hands
beauty has been kind to me
how on earth I ended up with this I do not know

and shouldn't I
with all this
just shut up
instead of moaning?
I,
who know so many wars
inside and out
who measure the demise of men and women
who monitor great suffering -
who came from Bradford's poorest streets
who took all lessons in the park
playing football
playing drink
shouldn't I be full of joy?

It is appalling that
I grieve each day
and mourn
and moan
and cannot
bear to breathe
and breathe again

It counts for little in my counting
that I am given more than enough
because I love her
I love her
I miss her
I do not sleep
I ache
My prayers are filled with longing
great yearning
horrible remorse
sickening regret
I wish this was another place
I wish this was another time
I wish I could go back

I want to go back
I've had enough
this mourning
this loss
this being in love -
it is too much

Oh Lord I wish I could go back
for that whole year
when I would hold her
look into those soft brown eyes
when I would kiss her
and feel at peace
when she would laugh
when she would sigh
in great contentment
in ecstasy
when all she seemed to want
was me

That time that lasted for an age
seems so unreal
now

Did it happen
that the sweet woman
who cut me off
when I was in my prime -
did it happen
that she loved me
so fiercely
she once said
she thought she'd die?

Oh Lord
I am blessed beyond all deserved
and yet
I count no blessings
I do not deserve such comforts
I do not deserve such love

All I long for
every aching hour
Is her
Her
Her
Her

Please forgive me.

2008-04-11T18:30:00.003+01:00

How I loved her

and now,
beyond all reason
How I love her

Every day I worry for you
Every day I pray for you
Be safe
Be well

I long to hold you
To be beside you as you take each step

In my heart
I still do

Two nights ago I woke up
at the point of my dream
where I kissed you
and declared
"This is my very reason for living"
The point of my dream
was to show
that there is only one reason for living

This morning
after dreaming I was in your living room
where you spoke cruelly
and acted harshly
I awoke broken hearted
once again

Tonight I pray for no more dreams
it is too much sometimes
for me

because how I loved you
and how I love you
as reason falls to sleep

2008-04-11T17:24:00.006+01:00

I do wonder
if this will be it
if things will change for the better
or for the worse
or just change

I do wonder
about her
constantly

It cannot be denied that I am still in love
I wonder if one day
this will be seen as a great shame.

I do wonder
what God knows
what God sees
further down the line
I do wonder
why it all went wrong
why it all went weird
and if I'll ever
have peace of mind

I do wonder about her
constantly
and it cannot be denied

I am in still love
and this may well be a shame

But for all the pain
and for all I do not know
I do know that God
is looking after me
that he never abandoned me
and that some day,
one day,
This pain will be no more

I do know
that if it could have been another way
a better way
that way it would have been

The sun shines
above the storm
My God
who loves me unconditionally
leads me through

2008-04-10T21:52:00.002+01:00

Too much

Not enough

Give me a word this night

Break me out
of the unbearable

2008-04-10T20:43:00.006+01:00

It is not that I do not want to live
but that I feel full of death

It is not that my life is over
but that my death begins

In the sunshine and blue sky and red wine
I could have killed so much

The next day,
in the white cold of April's snow
I became numb to the touch

For a while
I was spared the sting
of certain death

I cannot couch these days in other terms
life and death
light and dark
are the only partners
of love and fear
the only ones who come to me
and speak in tongues I understand

her skin was brown
her eyes so dark
her hair was black
when I kissed her
goosebumps rose upon her neck

my skin was cream
my eyes were light
my hair was blonde
when she kissed me
I knew I could not live without her kiss

Funny how she killed you son
Your greatest love
the only one
to leave,
the only one
you loved
the only one to leave
the one who spoke of marriage
the one who spoke of sons
funny how she killed you lad,
funny
and so sad.

truth is
I am fighting against things which cannot move
the orbit of a stubborn moon
the union of sun and light
I defy the well worn march
of a war torn tide

I spread ivory wings
and hope to fly

In all this,
God is my only hope.

Oh Lord,
do not let me come to you
as my crutch.

Oh Lord
do not let me treat you
As some divine shop keeper
who will sell me everything I want
at the cost of your
Son

Humble me,
love me,
protect me.

When the pain comes
and I do not want to go on
and I feel there is no point to jumping from the bridge
because I am already drowning
take that pain,
my Lord,
and teach me,
refine me,
redeem me,
That I will emerge smiling
Singing with all my heart
About light, about love, about life,
The unfathomable dimensions of
Your perfect Grace.

2008-04-10T20:31:00.002+01:00

break
break
break
break
break

give me more than a break

please give me more

this fire burns
but it will neither consume
or be consumed
it does not burn up
it does not burn out

what more?

what more words are chosen
by the great HEAD
to describe the GREAT PAIN
what more can be said?

Nothing can be added to the fire
and nothing can be taken away

to neither live or die
what is this?
Is this punishment
is this despair
is this the ultimate self-loving
pity?

I walk
but I do not travel
I eat
but my appetite remains
I scream in silence
I bellow in great bouts of quiet
I am the breaking still unbroken bone

I am a still photograph of
a beautiful yet wearisome train crash

we do not know if it has happened
or is about to happen

we do know that we do not know
and that it seems
we will never know

But I,
I know some truths
to fully break the sickly deception
of every written word
of every nail mark

I know that God abounds
in more than gaps and spaces
My Lord,
you do not forsake those who seek you
Your love is complete
and nothing can keep me away from it.

No despair
no still photograph
no silent scream
no sense of loss
or fierce flame
can stand against you
and your all conquering
Grace

Once again I remember
who saves.

Lord,
I look to you in hope

Come quick,
that I can wipe away
the stains I am wearing
like sack cloth and ashes

Come quick
My God

2008-04-09T19:10:00.003+01:00

From promise to pain
in just ten days

18 February
"I want to have family meals with all our kids sitting round the table."

28 February
"My feelings have changed, it's for the best. Tk cre."

And with that
she disappeared
leaving a very bewildered
repentant young stud
shattered

Oh Lord,
I have searched for meaning in the meaningless
For rationale in the irrational
I have looked for love in the loveless
and for consolation in the misery
Please my God,
Help me to stop.

I do not believe
I shall ever find it.
I do not believe
This will ever make sense.

To look at the two lives she lived with me
Is to split my heart in two

Father,
I need a break
that does not start
in the over-saturated tissue
of my over-loving heart.

2008-04-09T12:46:00.002+01:00

three pictures
you and I
smiling in a bar
in one,
you are kissing me,
and the caption speaks of your great undying love
a text
"I love you"
a text
"I couldn't live without you"
a text
"Can I see you today? I have to!"
the mantelpiece
the Valentines card
"I know I said we shouldn't do this,
but I couldn't resist,
because I love you so much."

Six days later
so many months of holding you crying in my arms
holding you naked in my arms
holding you smiling in my arms
as you spoke of your love
of your luck
how amazing I was
six days later
you cut all cords

You withdrew before I woke
searches were made
but you were not found
in the early morning light
I mourned your loss
but you were not taken from me
you took,
then you became another.

I awoke to desolate silence.

How dare you question my love
she said
How dare you
her anger was not her anger
her words were not her words
her callous fingers were not her gentle fingers
I did not recognise her face

six days later
I no longer love you
she did not care to mention her anger
when questioned about her love
once again,
a cruel contradiction,
a strange and unkind spirit
crushing the beautiful woman
who had begged me to be her man
forever,
and ever,
who asked to make me breakfast in the morning
forever,
and ever,
who placed her pain in losing me
and her greatest joy in having me.
That woman,
that woman
has gone.

messages deleted
All 452
Each word of longing
each little kiss
so true at birth
but turned to lies
when killed so
expertly

I took the photographs
and consigned them to history

I threw away your Valentines rose
which began to rot in its bottle

But what I could not do
and what I cannot do
is stop being in love with you

many believe she is schizophrenic
they do not know any other way to explain such duplicitous human behaviour
this is unfair, my love
unfair against the woman you were -
I will not have a word spoken against her.

But surely you are the same woman
who first dreamt of my kiss
and now annihilates my lips
yet I,
your closest friend
who knows you better than your own flesh
am hard pressed to deny
the coldness
and cruelty
of your own misguided self-preservation

when did you become the ogre?
what happened, honey,
to turn you like this?

You rendered me powerless to stop this.
I have never been powerless before a woman.
Now how can I have pride?
It is a good thing, through your destruction,
That I have learnt the pain of losing love
A pain I have inflicted
though less heartlessly

Perhaps one day
you and I will see your deeds
in a new light
and you will offer explanation
for your multiple assassinations
which I and others
can understand

Then again,
perhaps not.

In the meantime,
I fight off your accusers,
who on my behalf
wish to punish you
wish to slander you
want you to pay for what you did.

In the meantime,
you couldn't care less,
and I know this.

I still love you,
I love you so much,
and it was never the case
that you had to deserve it.

God bless you.

2008-04-05T01:17:00.002+01:00

Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-

while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

"Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,

when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,

when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,

when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?

"Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,

that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?

The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.

The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?

Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?

Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

"What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?

Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,

which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?

What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,

to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,

to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?

Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?

From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?

Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

"Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?

Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

Who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?

Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions

when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?

Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?

Do you count the months till they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?

They crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.

Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return.

"Who let the wild donkey go free?
Who untied his ropes?

I gave him the wasteland as his home,
the salt flats as his habitat.

He laughs at the commotion in the town;
he does not hear a driver's shout.

He ranges the hills for his pasture
and searches for any green thing.

"Will the wild ox consent to serve you?
Will he stay by your manger at night?

Can you hold him to the furrow with a harness?
Will he till the valleys behind you?

Will you rely on him for his great strength?
Will you leave your heavy work to him?

Can you trust him to bring in your grain
and gather it to your threshing floor?

"The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,
but they cannot compare with the pinions and feathers of the stork.

She lays her eggs on the ground
and lets them warm in the sand,

unmindful that a foot may crush them,
that some wild animal may trample them.

She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;
she cares not that her labor was in vain,

for God did not endow her with wisdom
or give her a share of good sense.

Yet when she spreads her feathers to run,
she laughs at horse and rider.

"Do you give the horse his strength
or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?

Do you make him leap like a locust,
striking terror with his proud snorting?

He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength,
and charges into the fray.

He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
he does not shy away from the sword.

The quiver rattles against his side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.

In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground;
he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.

At the blast of the trumpet he snorts, 'Aha!'
He catches the scent of battle from afar,
the shout of commanders and the battle cry.

"Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom
and spread his wings toward the south?

Does the eagle soar at your command
and build his nest on high?

He dwells on a cliff and stays there at night;
a rocky crag is his stronghold.

From there he seeks out his food;
his eyes detect it from afar.

His young ones feast on blood,
and where the slain are, there is he."

The LORD said to Job:

"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!"

Then Job answered the LORD :

"I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.

I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more."

Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:

"Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

"Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?

Do you have an arm like God's,
and can your voice thunder like his?

Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.

Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at every proud man and bring him low,

look at every proud man and humble him,
crush the wicked where they stand.

Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.

Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

"Look at the behemoth,
which I made along with you
and which feeds on grass like an ox.

What strength he has in his loins,
what power in the muscles of his belly!

His tail sways like a cedar;
the sinews of his thighs are close-knit.

His bones are tubes of bronze,
his limbs like rods of iron.

He ranks first among the works of God,
yet his Maker can approach him with his sword.

The hills bring him their produce,
and all the wild animals play nearby.

Under the lotus plants he lies,
hidden among the reeds in the marsh.

The lotuses conceal him in their shadow;
the poplars by the stream surround him.

When the river rages, he is not alarmed;
he is secure, though the Jordan should surge against his mouth.

Can anyone capture him by the eyes,
or trap him and pierce his nose?

"Can you pull in the leviathan with a fishhook
or tie down his tongue with a rope?

Can you put a cord through his nose
or pierce his jaw with a hook?

Will he keep begging you for mercy?
Will he speak to you with gentle words?

Will he make an agreement with you
for you to take him as your slave for life?

Can you make a pet of him like a bird
or put him on a leash for your girls?

Will traders barter for him?
Will they divide him up among the merchants?

Can you fill his hide with harpoons
or his head with fishing spears?

If you lay a hand on him,
you will remember the struggle and never do it again!

Any hope of subduing him is false;
the mere sight of him is overpowering.

No one is fierce enough to rouse him.
Who then is able to stand against me?

Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything under heaven belongs to me.

"I will not fail to speak of his limbs,
his strength and his graceful form.

Who can strip off his outer coat?
Who would approach him with a bridle?

Who dares open the doors of his mouth,
ringed about with his fearsome teeth?

His back has rows of shields
tightly sealed together;

each is so close to the next
that no air can pass between.

They are joined fast to one another;
they cling together and cannot be parted.

His snorting throws out flashes of light;
his eyes are like the rays of dawn.

Firebrands stream from his mouth;
sparks of fire shoot out.

Smoke pours from his nostrils
as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.

His breath sets coals ablaze,
and flames dart from his mouth.

Strength resides in his neck;
dismay goes before him.

The folds of his flesh are tightly joined;
they are firm and immovable.

His chest is hard as rock,
hard as a lower millstone.

When he rises up, the mighty are terrified;
they retreat before his thrashing.

The sword that reaches him has no effect,
nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.

Iron he treats like straw
and bronze like rotten wood.

Arrows do not make him flee;
slingstones are like chaff to him.

A club seems to him but a piece of straw;
he laughs at the rattling of the lance.

His undersides are jagged potsherds,
leaving a trail in the mud like a threshing sledge.

He makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron
and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.

Behind him he leaves a glistening wake;
one would think the deep had white hair.

Nothing on earth is his equal—
a creature without fear.

He looks down on all that are haughty;
he is king over all that are proud."

Then Job replied to the LORD :

"I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'

My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.

Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

Epilogue

After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has." So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job's prayer.

Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.

The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so he died, old and full of years.

2008-04-02T23:22:00.002+01:00

So much destruction
is born from so much love

Lord
so many times
it passed through my head
it passed through my head
not once,
but many times

I cannot go on

My resolve nearly broke a matter of hours ago
I was close to the edge
I was so close
I am on the sharp edge of life
and love
and loss

There is so much destruction
So much destruction
is born from so much love

This is true today, for me:
So much destruction
is born from so much love

without God
I cannot go on.

Without God
I will die.

Without God
there is nothing left.

Without God
I have only despair.

Without God
I wish to no longer be here.

Without God
I cannot bare the faintest breeze.

I am an embarrassment

and a shame
I am a blemish and a stain
I am a cracked skull
a seeping wound
I am a scab that is forever being torn away
I am a septic cut
I am the tears of a widow
I am the moans of a hungry heart
I am the groans of a broken man
I am the mourning of an abandoned child
I feel the cut of the coldest morning
I feel the cut of the cold steel cathedral bells
in a country long past its love of any god

I am desperate
I far beyond my wits end
I am full of terror
I am beyond all hope but my Lord my God
I am terrified and I feel sick
I have that sinking feeling
over and over and over again
I have been cheated
and swindled
attacked and beaten
bruised and raped
broken so many times
and not broken at all.

I am the great Hot Air
I am the mighty No More

Oh sweet Jesus,
my Lord,
three months ago I didn't even believe in you
now I cannot live without you
please intervene
please come now
it's become too much
far too much Lord
please come quick
I am floundering in the water
I am sinking where I should walk
Oh Lord
Reach out and catch me
Please father

I have spent my whole life before you
living it up
now I am as broken as all those weak people
I used to pity
now I am as in love as all those sentimental fools
I used to sleep with
now I am so very deservedly shattered

I fall upon the Grace of the Lord God,
the Creator of all that is,
that was,
that will be
and I commit my last remaining strength it Him.

Will I go on in this life
beyond this very dark
and lonely night?

Stay tuned

2008-04-02T19:00:00.002+01:00

I love you so much
I can't let it go

You're moving through every part of me
my body can't forget
it's killing me

time is so hard
so hard

2008-04-02T14:06:00.003+01:00

My Lord
I thank you for the days you gave
in which her tenderness was upon me
in which she leaned upon me
and I carried her
in which her smiles were my smiles
and her tears my tears

My Lord
in the relentless bright light of these mornings
when I am tempted to buckle
when I am tempted to collapse
I thank you that you keep me from collapsing
I thank you that,
although the bitter taste of her loss
which looks so much like grief
spoils so much today,
You are at work
as ever
bringing good from bad
healing from breaking
Love from fear.

My Lord
I am so in love with her
that it scares me to no longer have the control
I once believed I had.
It is hard to concentrate on work,
hard to smile,
hard to face any direction.
My Lord,
let me find my peace in you.
You are no crutch,
no hiding place.
You are a shield
a shield for attack.
Let me go forward with more courage
and less self-pity
more trust
and less frailty.
Lord,
why should I be downcast
when you are holding my hand
when you lift up my head
when you have made such promises to me?

Across London I long for her,
the call goes out constantly
from my eager heart.
I pray there will be no waste in this.
Add flesh and blood
to the dry bones of this valley.

I will hear your voice
and I will follow

2008-04-01T23:46:00.003+01:00

I have to be honest
brutally honest
this pain
this loss
this going on,
holding on,
it is eating away too much of me
too quickly

I cannot make it
I cannot make it
I keep thinking

Today I could not find my toothbrush
this was quite an acceptable problem
this was very tolerable
I wish all my problems were of this kind
but when I looked for it
I noticed your toothbrush
stood there in its cup
stood there waiting for you to come one evening
and stand next to me
and smile and pull funny faces at me in the mirror
as you drag it across your beautiful smile
as you clean your teeth
as I clean my teeth
as we clean our teeth together

this was not tolerable
my heart breaks over little things like this
every day

that toothbrush is so naive
so innocent
it doesn't know what I know
it doesn't know that you will never come back
it doesn't know that you will never pick it up
never use it again
it will never know your hand
your glorious scent
your soft skin,
your Indian skin,
your beauty.

Nor will I.

The toothbrush sits so sadly in that cup
it makes me sad.
I pity it,
desperate sod.
Better it had never known you,
better it had never seen us so happy together.

I didn't have the heart to shatter its illusions
I didn't have the heart to break its heart
so I left it there
and I will leave it there
for a couple more days
patiently awaiting
your return.

it is too soon to say
"she is gone, and she is never coming back."

It will always be too soon.

I wish I too
did not know
what I do know
now

I must be honest
brutally honest

I am a broken man
and I want her too much
oh Lover,
why'd you go so wrong?
I demand you,
I demand you every second of every day.
I demand you here, now,
in my arms.

I will always demand you.

Oh Lord
help me not to bleed
no more
the love and the loss
gets in the way of better things
I don't want to crawl around no more
aching for her
living in the summer past
living in my broken shell
I do not want to hurt so much
I do not want to hurt
no more

I know she is waiting for me to call.
Waiting for me to text,
waiting for something.
It will not come.
I cannot contact you honey,
for the things you said
and the things you done
I cannot move toward you.

You got to give it up
you got to move to me
you got to take the knives out
the pain won't go away
because you wished you never caused it.

But I don't know nothing.

Perhaps you are sleeping now,
happy.

Perhaps...
no I cannot think on.
It hurts too much honey,
it hurts too much.

There can be no other possibility
than what I dream
I cannot live with what may be real.
I cannot live,
not by my own efforts.
If it were not for God,
would I not be dead
by now?

Yes.

I must not know
how catastrophic love became.

I must not know
what I do not know.

My God,
I've become a desperate thing.
Please rescue me Lord,
from myself
and from my loss.

Even here,
at my darkest hour
you are beside me,
you are my Great Hope.

You will lift me up.

Praise your Name,
my true
loving father.

2008-04-01T17:22:00.002+01:00

I would be satisfied alone with your eyes
I have spent eternities there,
revelling.
But your humour,
your heart,
your fickle fancies and your faithful love
your laughter and your sadness
they conquered so much
you were more than a pretty woman
you were so often the silly child
you were so often so honest
and every thought you had
and every word from your mouth
and every laugh and tear
conquered so much in me
each minute I spent with you
increased hunger beyond all reason
and I was laid bare before you
as I have never been
to any one.

Nobody is perfect,
but you were perfect to me.
You were not anybody,
You were ultimate.
You were weak,
You were above and beyond all I could dream
You were more than I could ever hope to have held
Yet I did hold you
just as you held me
and so much more

We lived a glorious age.

You are now the sum of all my pain,
you are the Name which destroys each day
the joy you brought
the joy I never knew could be

You never knew
just how beautiful you are

I will never stop loving you
no matter if you destroy all joy within
I cannot explain my love for you
beyond my love for you

It brings me down
and it ruins me
but it never,
ever,
relents.

2008-04-01T14:28:00.003+01:00

it's all well and good
throwing out words of faith
words of trust
but they mean nothing
by themselves

it is not all well and good
in the world of words

You are my shield
I need a shield
Because I must fight

I must fight
To be at peace

2008-03-31T03:36:00.003+01:00

I love you more than any other

I have never loved so much

This love is an endless landslide

This love wants to become all inside

I have never loved someone so much

This is my greatest love

I love you too much

And,
my love has yet
not been enough.

I stand wasted
but ablaze.

Rain will come
but I wish it didn't
have to

2008-03-31T02:50:00.002+01:00

I came to my home town
Like a wounded animal
fleeing to its den
I came to have my burden lifted
by the hands of others
I came to see other sights
Feel other things
Than you.

But you were there
before I arrived.
You waited for me
and when I felt safest
and most distant from London
and all the pain that lines the rails there,
you attacked.

In my home town
time and distance became
the moment of intimacy lost.

In my home town
you began to break my heart
in new ways.

In my home town
I grieved more wildly inside
more dangerously.

You are now a raging ocean
of unfulfilled longing
within me.
It is cruel beyond words
that I must speculate
as to the shallowness of your waters
and the warmth of your sun.

I am bound before God
but by my own chains.
The Lord has freed me
and I will not seek to undo his work.

My Lord God,
Please help me not only to survive this Day
not only to live through it
but to live on it.

Let my pain be turned to scars
scars that mark my victory in You.

My God,
I feel so broken and full of empty metaphors.

My Lord,
I feel too much, sometimes.

My Lord,
She has become my torture, and that is torture.

My God,
Please show your hand
That I might rejoice again
and be uplifted.

You do not let me wallow in the depths for long.

You are always there,
Reviving and sustaining me.

You are more faithful than my will to live.
More powerful,
More beautiful.

She has abandoned me.

You found me.

2008-03-24T14:09:00.002Z

Murder
I cry murder
I've been murdered
and the worst of it is
I get to walk around still
cash my cheques and ride the bus
drink my shots and greet my friends
all the while I should be
dead

I've been murdered
but nobody's going to call the police
there will be no trial
there will be no life sentence
and the worst of it is
I don't call for justice
I just call for
life

I can't stop thinking about you
I can't stop breathing
thank God

2008-03-23T22:44:00.002Z

I remember
I am there

you and I
lying on the grass
the entrance to the tube station a short walk away
it is not summer
or spring
but Autumn
we are in our coats
the grass is wet
yet somehow
here we are
were
lying

the scent of soil
mixed with the scent of your perfume
and your lips were raw from all the kissing
my lips were sore from all the kissing
beside you I lay
and between our words lay the great yearning

"I love you, K," she says
"I really love you."

Our words were tinged with eternity
a fake eternity
misleading words
we cheapened eternity

"I just want to lie here forever, with you"
you said

Oh my lover,
my Love,
how quickly your love has turned to pain
upon my lips

I would kill myself,
or kill all else,
no word of a lie,
were it not for God's intervention
and his rescue from this pain

"I can't live without you"
she said
"I don't care whatever happens, I have to be with you"
she said
her breathtaking eyes
just sheer terrifying depths of dark and hungry
longing

Five months later
and the grass died
and grew back again

today it snowed
and I was in a church
praying to my God

more friends I had to tell
more friendly ridicule
"is Jesus your lover?"
and they laughed
because for a long time, love,
all I did was take women

To be this side of a rejection is justice
even if you do not call it a rejection
even if you say you are weeping
even if you say your heart bleeds

I bleed real blood

So does my God.

I love you.

2008-03-19T00:46:00.002Z

My Lord,
How you keep me,
How you amaze me
When the sky seems to be crashing down around me
When all my joys become a poison in my head
When yesterday becomes my prison
You lead me out,
You are with me

My Lord,
I never deserved you
I never cared about you
I never wanted you
but You did not abandon me
You move me beyond my pain
You move me
And I know that you are my God
And you love me
And I love you
And I cannot die
Again

Thank You

2008-03-17T14:18:00.003Z

A strand of your hair
unexpectedly upon my bed
Fine and tough
I could a string the violin I use
To pity myself for your loss

Your fine black hair
I stroked many times
Inhaled its scent as I held you
Dreamt of always holding you
Of feelng that hair draped across my chest
As I thanked God for you
And you slept

I put it aside
And thanked God for the memory
I did not collapse
I am realising
Slowly and imperfectly
The meaning of trust

Though the day may have passed
And I will follow where I am led
My love does not pass
And I will be glad
For you

2008-03-14T17:40:00.003Z

What then can I say now?
Do I no longer suffer pain?
Do I no longer have troubles?
Far from it.

You know the way I never eat the chocolates people buy me
You know the way those gifts stay in their boxes
Well now I have opened the box of chocolates you bought me
In the vain hope this Valentines gift will somehow bring us close again

On the mantelpiece above my fireplace
Sits the card you gave me
In which you tell me you have never loved nor met a man like me
In which you say you cannot believe how lucky you are
How taken you are
How glad

As I work my way through the chocolates in some
Sad ritual of lost love
I am devouring a memory of you
A You which was altogether kinder
A You in which I placed my trust
My kisses
And my future

I am used to having what I want
I have always been the one
Rejecting
For a man who never committed
The changes wrought in me for you
Amazed so many

Yet your silence has fallen
And your cruelty arrived
A cruelty nobody can explain
A cruelty that does not fit your frame
We cry for you
And we long for you
We do not know what has happened to You

But in the aching nights
I am not alone
I am not abandoned to despair or pain

God holds my hand
So I do not have to go back to being Jack the Lad
To avoid such hurt
Instead I may suffer and bleed openly and free
And let the wounds be healed before Him
Upon Him
There is no greater heartbreak than that which He bore for me
And no greater love than His

2008-03-14T13:38:00.003Z

Broken!
Broken is the heart!
And the love,
which bore such love,
And carried them across the years,
Now dies a quiet death
In the dusty loud
Of a rumbling underground

The London train comes
And I am humbled further
I watch the rats scurry between the lines
This is the life
But not my life

My Love was taken
My Love was broken
Come quietly now
To bleed in silence
in the dark of the London Underground
where once we all took shelter
From the falling bombs and shrapnel
But now run scared
From extremists
Extremes of love
and fundamental heartbreak
It stalks us in our own city
It takes a seat next to us on the tube
And it will explode upon us
In the dark rattling of our business
It will give us no comfort
No rest any place
Until the heart is well and truly broken.

Lord,
Save us.
Save us all.

2008-03-13T23:44:00.002Z

It breaks
It breaks over and over again
Am I to crawl away from this?
Could she follow the trail of blood
If she ever came around?
Lord,
My heart is too frail
Or else
too false.
I know You will help me
Please come now
I cannot bear this breaking

2008-03-12T15:58:00.005Z

After a couple of drinks
and a couple more
the pains come out
I see the words change shape
I see him come to the truth
put it all into the light
I am always amazed at the secret lives of public friends
Yet always,
after the right number of drinks
and the right number of minutes,
the pains come out
and their happiness which seems to sit so well upon the surface
is removed like a tiring mask
which makes deep marks upon young flesh

in his words I see the suicides
that have always marked my words
in his private moments and his over thoughtfulness and his sensitivities
and his loss and his grief and his love and his lusts and his control
and his loss of control and his hard-heartedness and his numbness to the world
and his confusion in the world and his love of life
and his loss in life
I see the same sights I saw in myself
and see in myself
and have seen in every friend or foe
I have ever had occasion
to have a meaningful conversation with

He wants to leave the country
the cuts made were deep
but is not all about Her
She just cut to the source of other pains
and made it easier for those waters to flow up and flood the plains
of his morning commute

He wants to leave the city
he wants to leave his mind
he wants true love
he doesn't give a damn about love no more
he wants happiness
he never expects to be happy
he wants unshakable faith in something
he never expects unshakable faith in anything
he wants to know what he is doing
where is going
what's the point
he doesn't know what he wants

he apologises for having been down
but I assure him no one even noticed
so much were these pains kept in his secret world
and he breaks my heart
as I see the child in him
lost and lonely
looking for a mother or a father
to comfort him
and bring him home

we all lost our homes
some sooner than others
mine at eight or nine or so
him the same
others eighteen
others later

I have a new home
He sees it
but says he can never believe it
he would like to
but he can't
and I know

My heartbreaks for him
and I pray to God
he will show him how to get home
show him the meaning of home
Give him peace

We all stand together on this sinking ship
and try to pretend we have the time to get things done
before we go below the water

but what's the point in anything
without rescue
he seems to say

There is hope
more hope than you know my brother
more hope
such hope
It will come

2008-03-11T01:08:00.003Z

The ships are out
in Abersoch bay
the great grey ship of war
silhouetted on the horizon
as I the eight year old
ride by in the car
the ships are out

the ships are sailing
in different oceans
one sails around the tip of India
another is in the ice of Canada
as I grow up and go to school
the ships are out in the world

as I am playing games on the fields
the ships are out in the ocean storms
as I am sitting in the dentist chair
the ships are passing signals on old radio waves
the ships are leagues apart
and their calls are weary and lonesome
unheard static in the great white noise
of storm and ocean

a ship is on the horizon
another passes Wellington
the ships are caked with sea life
and rust and oil and seaweed
but the ships are in the oceans
and they are ever moving
as I complete my final exam
and take my last bus home

the ships blast their horns
in the vast and spotless oceans
as I drink in the student bars
as I dance in the darkened clubs
the ships are turning in giant arcs
making patterns in the sea
invisible from space

but now the ships are coming back
the ships are gaining speed
as I lay my head down in London
the noise of engines thunders
the ships have returned
from their epic voyages of soul
the ships are making waves
increasingly as one

as I wake up and she is not beside me
the ships are on the horizon
the people have come out to the promenade
and are making frightened chatter
the warships are on the horizon
a mighty armada so long forgotten
no longer treading separately
they are a footprint in the ocean

The ships of war are coming
and the promenade is full of danger
the people are afraid
excitement keeps them talking
the ships have united
at the crucial time
for the most perfect occasion
and their victory is assured

As I open my eyes
and walk down to the beach
I see the ships have made their homecoming
And I am no longer lost in searching
My ships have come in
And the lonely trip of longing
disembarks

2008-03-09T17:50:00.003Z

It's a strange pain
standing here in the shower
a pain of losing
of leaking
of draining away
standing here in the shower

It's a strange light
that greets these empty mornings
a strange silence of the mobile phone

whenever your absence attacks
it is the strangeness
that hurts the most

Who would have thought
your devotion would lead here
Who would have thought
the warmth could drain so quickly

It's a strange pain
I carry with me
on the tube
in the church
in my mind as I stir the tea

It's a lonely pain
that I cannot understand
your absence
I cannot understand

before God
I have accepted this pain
and I carry it in hope
that one day
you will explain
and finally the cold and cutting strangeness
will itself
drain away

2008-03-01T23:51:00.004Z

To me
Her face has changed
A new light
Or a new moon
strikes her face

or else a mask is put on
or a mask is removed

In the form of this new face
I find my terror
and the bounds of my living nightmare

where once was my greatest sweetness
now stands my greatest pain
where once was true love
now stands true loss

Eyes that sang of love
No longer sing
But reflect my own eyes
Where bright blue has turned
To darkest night

I call out to God
and He answers me
He gives me strength
To carry on

Thank you loving Lord
who will never abandon me
Praise your Name

2008-03-01T21:40:00.002Z

You are my respite
and if you were not by my side
holding me up
I would be lost to the world
and to myself

My heart breaks with each moment
that I remember her
with each mention of her name
with each passing minute when I remark
"still, no word from her."

And I am sick, Lord
for there will never be another word of love from her
will there?

With you all things are possible
night can turn to day
death to life
despair to joy
bitterness and anger
to love and sweet mercy

Will you do this for me?

You have already saved me
You have already lifted me up
I am already lying in your house
Recovering
breathing the fresh air
as the foul waters of that murky lake
leave me for good

I was drowning Lord
and even here
in this light and day
the mark it made was so deep
that I fight to remember
I am no longer drowning

You have stretched out your hand to catch me
and I gladly cling to you

With you there is no death
No blinding dark descent
No cold and numbing waters
But power,
And love,
And joy forever

Help me to wake up Lord
and see that I am in your house
The storm may rage
But in you
Calm reigns
And I find peace

2008-02-29T23:22:00.002Z

My God
Let these words stand here
as testimony to my misery
and the bitter salt of my tears
as the very blood that drains
from a shattered and crushed
trusting heart.

Let them be a mark
to which I may return
days
weeks
months
years
from now
to remember how great the darkness from which you rescued me
and how great the measure
of your all conquering Love

Lord have mercy on me.

2008-02-29T23:11:00.002Z

I curl up
foetal
and my body shudders
I gasp and gulp for breath
in between the convulsions
of my tears
my voice
the voice of sheer desperation
stops and starts with
the the shaking of my whole being
my chest is bursting
my heart beats out of its cage
I strike my chest with clenched fists
I shudder and I wretch
the tears pour as the flood gates open
I am devastated
Demolished
Totally
and utterly
destroyed

Oh Lord
Is this the happiness I have reaped?

But I look to you
as I moan and ache in my tears
and misery
I look to you through blurring eyes
and I see light
and hope

Without you Lord
this would be unbearable
Perhaps I would not have gone on living
Though living now seems torture and pain
Without you Lord
I would be truly lost
But with you Lord
I have everything I need

You are my great consolation

Please come Lord,
as I writhe in pain,
my agony is hard to live with Lord

I fall upon your mercy
Knowing you have already caught me

Praise your Name
loving and gracious
God.

2008-02-28T18:16:00.002Z

There is an overturned table
scattered crumbs and the body of a man
broken on the stone floor
the body of a man who never knew if he dined alone
or when the wine would run dry
what has he seen, Lord?
what has he heard?

pick me up off the floor
and put me back together
not in my own strength
which was shattered
but in yours
which was my strength
before I was even born

In the hour of testing
In the hour of longing
In the hour of aching
In the middle of the lonely ocean
There is a very clear line between
What is
And what is not
real

Because you are the most real thing there is
I will never dine alone
Never thirst

But the pain,
Lord,
Will you take it all away
one time more?

I love you
I can never have my fill

2008-02-19T20:59:00.003Z

Give me the patience to suffer ridicule
and the humility to know
how little I know

Please do not give me what I deserve
But what you want me to have
and make me happy
like so many times before

2008-02-13T00:56:00.000Z

"I was killing myself
but now I'm living"
he said
shaking his head
and pointing to the scars
as he stepped off the ledge
of the 9th floor

2008-02-13T00:03:00.000Z

I have become the sum
of all that I devour
and all that I devour
is nothing less
than hunger

there is not enough of her to satisfy me
I want to consume her
and all the others
every woman
I am pure hunger

When I am finished
and she is finished
I start again
There is no end
and there is no lasting satisfaction

My lust fires me on
My lust makes the day go by
My lust makes the day a thrill
My lust has an edge which falls away
whenever I surrender to it

But whenever I surrender to it
it returns again
much stronger

At first it was days,
then it became hours.
Now it is minutes after surrendering to my driving hunger
that it falls again upon my head
and the sense that flows briefly
is stopped up,
dammed and damned,
its waters turned to steam in the heat of
My fire

I am never satisfied
but always hungry
I gorge myself
and my body is ravaged and ruined
strained and stretched
I ask
"now, with these scars and bruises,
with all this energy spent,
now is my hunger exhausted?"
but still I must have more
and with each touch and bite
I am filled with misery and sorrow
a great hollowness opens up within
and swallows my short-lived pleasure

I have become the sum
of all that I devour
and all that I devour
is nothing less
than hunger

God
if it were not for you
I would never be happy
I would never end this lonely descent
into dead worlds
where mirrors are made of female flesh
and reflect my form
perfectly

As I fall upon my sword again
there is no rescue
there is no shock
there is only the resounding terror
of a hunger born again

But You,
You break chains in prison cells
and lead the worst men out
into the open

left here with my lust
the walls would close again
the bounds would be the lack of bounds
the sentence would be death without death
woman after woman
kissed and loved
loved and touched
and anyone I lay my eyes upon
who might fall with me as soon as the falling
can be done
would be carried by my aching hands
into this bed
where I would cheat with other lovers
betray and steal and hate between the covers
until I finally
took myself

the addict
stealing from his own flesh and blood
crying as he sells their love
self-loathing as he fills his hollow heart up
with a temporary shot
of human steam

Without God
I would be dead
by now

2008-02-10T17:02:00.001Z

Everything
Anything
It's in your hands
And I'll wait for your word
For my next move

Surely it's time

2008-02-09T02:52:00.000Z

As I opened up my heart before God
thinking I was some kind of lovingly kept temple
a text arrived from an old flame that I had lit for my own amusement
but to which I had never actually offered up my flesh
for fiery consumation

she said
'I'm horny'

Could her accidental imagery have been any more apt for the old temptation,
and the same old tempter?
Amusing, were it not that the temple I had been
quickly filled with images and flashes
of all the unholy things I could, and would, commit
with her

My resolve is nothing
My strength all image
and talk

'But I love another'
I told her

I kept God quiet,
I kept God a secret
because I cared too much for what she thought of me
even as I rejected her advance
God is no shame,
but I shame God

She returned again

'I'm horny'
she said

This time no humour came to me
but the sickening feeling of being tested

I told you I loved another
But you came again to test my resolve
to see if you couldn't get me to shame myself
become that man again
forsake my Lover
sleep with you

You don't know me anymore
and I do not blame you
You are behaving just as I always have
But I am no longer a slave to our skin
And I will not cheat on my lover
And I will not cheat on my God
I am no good,
but I Am
is so good

This is not my virtue
This is not my strength
I haven't earnt a thing, I am no better than anyone
This is just another term of the divine rescue mission launched on my life
when I was all at sea, but thought myself an island

'Why did He rescue you?'
Beats me,
but I'm led to believe
He would do it for you too

I told her
'You deserve a decent man, I'm sure you'll have your pick soon. But I'm crazy about
my girl, I can't give you what you're after.'

And of course,
I will never hear back from her

2008-02-07T14:56:00.000Z

And you are a man
she said
and I looked upon her as a mother
and you are my man
she said
and I looked upon her as my woman
and your legs, she said,
I was looking at your legs
My legs? I said
How strange
Those legs could look after me,
she said
My legs? I said
How strange
But anything I have
I'd put to work for you

I dare not imagine your children
she says
Your children will be beautiful
I say
I dare not imagine our children
she says
I smile,
when did we become so old?
I ask
But she is very young,
and I know I will look back
on her trusting eyes and soft smooth skin
in fondness for the foolish talk we made
way back when
all we had to do was dream
to make a victory of everything

Don't call me your woman
she says
Until I am your woman
Unless I am your woman

Then she says
But I am your woman
and I cannot see it any other way

2008-02-07T13:50:00.000Z

On the hill
the crimson is no longer blood
but the light of a rising sun
And the warmth of that new day
is felt across the ages
even in the cold
of this long winter

I breathe the fresh air of a new world

2008-02-04T23:53:00.000Z

Father
you see my lack of self control
is total
To hear them next door
is to become them

In an instant I become
that slave again

Break the chains,
break the bond
I cry out to you
before there is no more time
break the links that keep me tethered
to my death in lusting after little death
after little death
after little death
after little death
and on and on
unil the big,
long,
death

Every time I try to hurt myself
You make me smile
with your kindness
I never saw so much kindness in all my life
real kindness
real love
and now you give so much of it
I can't lose my joy for long

You are truly amazing
I don't know an inch of you
but the footprint that you left
as you passed by
the perfection of that mark
is enough to captivate my heart and soul
tonight
and for ever after

2008-02-02T12:26:00.000Z

Every morning when I wake
I see Bathsheeba bathing
Lord take her away, I pray
But I know I should stop walking on the roof

2008-01-31T01:33:00.000Z

Lord,
into this new world I walk
or else am pushed
only to find a greater clamour to bind the truth
to the hand of human power

in this sickening market place
I can barely hear my own thoughts
and every noble man I know
seems to turn to his own mirror for reflection

Lord,
I thank you for my woman
and her faith
that though imperfect,
is perfectly built upon
a love of your Name

Jesus Christ,
I missed you in the crowd
and went first for music,
then for the Law,
then for fame,
and finally,
for Nothing

Now I come to you
more a child than I ever aspired to be
but thankful that I am
so ignorant and helpless
Relying solely upon you
is the only way
I know I will be saved

When I peek at the future
My stomach turns
My head aches
My eyes are dulled
I know there is a test ahead
and a pain ahead
far beyond my current comprehension

I ask only that you keep my hand
that I might never look away from your face
that imperfect and undeserving as I will continue to be
you will lead me through
never forsaking you
my Lord,
my God,
my Father

2008-01-30T02:58:00.000Z

I look to the future
and the colour drains from my face
the sky darkens
every fear awakes
fears I thought had died in childhood
return to torture me

I look to the future
and I become less than a child
I am the most helpless
thoughtless
terrified
seed
of a dying weed
blown in a gale
no use to anyone
and destined for
destruction

It is your hand Lord
that strikes me with fear
Stretch out your other hand,
My God,
and calm the storm

I am less than a speck on the edge of your infinite universe
but carry me, Lord,
like a child on your shoulders

The fear I see
has no power over me
Now that you are here
rebuking waves
and speaking softly
in great mercy

Give me strength

2008-01-29T01:51:00.000Z

Dear Tom Macrae,
embittered singer son of Church of England Vicars,
I feel it only fair that I inform you that in this coming year I fully intend to
utterly out perform you

Frankly, Tom, Cohen and Dylan already cornered the market on
turning a mirror to the Most High
and you just come off just like me,
some wet little songbird all sensitive in the way he throws his rattle from the pram
The pram may have been a Cathedral
but it don't make either of us great before God
and you still believe,
but you don't know

Tom,
God willing,
I'll be coming from the other direction
a perfect inflection
your mirror man
a reversed image of your tired and over-worked God-anger
or else,
a failure in praise
but nonetheless,
I'm not going to add my tears and bile to the hurricane no more

And I have to say,
the Amelia Earhart lyric was pretty poor
ah but better to have tried to be Dylan
than to have never realised one's total inadequacy at all

Tom, you know what?
I think I'm coming for you.

2008-01-26T18:46:00.000Z

Leonard, I see you now
in a new light
flooding in through the cell window
in that Zen temple
atop Mount Baldy
you crazy bald genius you

I see you now
as the willing slave
the aching pulsating ache
looking to be commanded and defiled
I see you glory your god in between Babylon's legs
I know you are getting hard just reading, Leonard

but your misery in flesh
was also my misery in flesh
your little death
was also my little death
I bled upon many soft young breasts
I cried upon barely kissed thighs
and my last breaths
were breathed at the climax
before the darkness rushed in,
crushed my balls
and left me deader than the sodden earth of every single human grave

so in my temple, Leonard,
I didn't entertain my persecution lust
by chance
God took away my affliction
and suddenly I was no longer a slave
to wanting to be a slave
the freedom was not my own victory,
Leonard,
but a dove descending from Jerusalem

And I know that you could never give up a good woman
and I know that you would fetishise the Seraphim
but Leonard,
if you saw the true Majesty of the Promised Land
and tasted the despair of King David as he laid with
Uriah's wife,
all your Talmudic laments and Book of the Dead sentiments
would fall away into
blinding white light

The glory of the Lord
And you would not hate the woman anymore,
the woman you love to call master,
and you would not cut your flesh
and you would not hold your fame
or make those beautiful aching songs

No, you would live forever.

2008-01-22T17:45:00.000Z

That I can cry in joy before you
fall to my knees in joy
grip dust in my hands
and smile to the sky
that I can sleep with a fluttering heart
and wake with a laugh
that I can live,
even in my death,
this is the story of your boundless grace
and the flowing of your mercy
unto me
for now Lord,
and for eternity
Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest

And then

2008-01-19T23:25:00.000Z

God saved me
and there can be no more tears of misery
flowing from despair

There is a hope that cannot be broken

This Shadow Cabinet is full of light

God is in the house, rejoice.

Jesus Christ is my saviour
and I am no longer a poor poet
but a poor psalmist.

Poor, but rich beyond comprehension.

The Shadow Cabinet is a story of deliverance
and Grace

And on the 8th day,
we begin again.

2007-12-15T21:04:00.000Z

as I approach the summit of the escalator
ascending from the Jubilee Line
I note the tube at Waterloo
smells like my old school canteen

I flow

2007-12-15T21:02:00.000Z

When I approached the house the sprinklers were on

the grass was yellow, dry,

scorched by the Mediterranean sun

clearly he had just returned

I expected a gardener

I did not expect his son

the pool was the obvious choice

but two made the play unsafe,

the son in the boot,

the father in the pool

ironically discovered by the waste disposal men

when I approached the house the sprinklers were on

this did not help my cause

I turned them off

I left the grass to die

naturally

it was not murder

When I returned to London there were gales and a storm

she was waiting for me

her glorious trusting eyes welled up,

the water on her cheeks

turned the sprinklers back on

for a moment, panic,

she saw it there

said

“what's the matter? Are you okay?”

I am not an empty vessel

This desire will cost me

dear

2007-11-28T19:00:00.000Z

I cannot help but see us there,
reflected in the eyes of Leonard Cohen

Sorry.

2007-11-28T17:22:00.000Z

There are many honest hearts in the keep
details and epic ventures I could never let you know
such as the power of your scent upon my fingers
to bring my hands to better worship of you
and all things

and now too my struggle to keep my destitution from your flesh
so that I do not need to be touched to feel alive
so that I do not waste the last few hours of this final ray of heaven's light
the thoughtless beauty of your grace
your life

I hear this, I recognise the vanity
of one who paints himself as lost in noble struggle -
there's nothing noble about my 'battle' -
I lost immediately and was discovered by disapproving Angels
tangled in my bedsheets and my own weary skin

I prayed then for redemption,
as I always do,
but I fear I must shake this idea of ever being worthy of you
if I am ever to be worthy of you

Honey, it's love.
I don't want to run for pleasure no more
I run for you

2007-11-28T15:38:00.000Z

I was a slave to pleasure, but now I'm carving out my freedom from the wreckage of my touch.

He was a slave to pleasure.

"Why is that you're never here for long? You're here, then you're gone. You start, then you stop. What is it with you?"

What is it with him?

There were many parts to me, and no one part had sole control of all the faculties. No one part was guiding me.
I faded in and out as I passed between my many selves. Sometimes winning with a hunger and a charm, sometimes strong in thought and passion.
And sometimes losing with a wasted word, broken with a fickle heart,
distant in his service to the state. The government of his country and the government of his body, a weakness and a strength, a comedian turned murderer and all colours in between.
I was many things, and so never anything. For a moment I was almost an intellectual, but soon enough I was a shallow-minded twat.

He is no longer a slave to pleasure, he says.

And it has to become true
if either of us is to survive his lust

2007-11-27T15:51:00.000Z

Come hear me whimper,
less like a roar than was predicted
when I sixteen

where the novel drifts to complaint
where the song fades to the sound of the London traffic
where the poetry is not poetry, but this -
come hear me whimper like a bitter brat

I stepped beyond the studies and the service of the state
beyond creative ventures, novels, songs, plays, poems, websites,
to the more constructive venture of following a woman
down to where it all begins

she led me away from the drink and the flashing nightclub lights
to a bedroom where she lay beside me naked
more naked than anyone before
and she was beautiful

and I fell for her

sick of myself,
falling for one woman after another
but different this time,
and she calls me her man
and I call her my woman
and she clings to me for dear life

but dear God
has put a great expanse between us
a great divide
that seperates heaven from hell
for she is a child of God, you see,
but I lost my way a long time ago

now she weeps when we meet,
says she knows she mustn't love me
says she knows she can't be with me
but she aches
and aches
and gives in to it,
as though loving me is her greatest vice
and leaving me is her greatest test of faith

and once I would have walked away
or brought an ultimatum before her
but I dare not lose what I may not even have,
finally, accidentally, I ended up with a woman I'd devote myself to
is God taking her away?

And a part of me says
there is no god to take away your lover
and a part of me says she is making a mistake letting phantoms and myths
ruin her bliss
but a part of me says
her faith is beautiful
and for all the earth I wish
there was a God to put this woman back into heaven

and so I stumble in the dark
shuffling on my knees
praying to a God I had forsaken
saying
"look after her, if you take her away
don't let her heart break
and don't forsake me,
keep me going,
help me to forget what I saw
when I saw her naked before me"
and the night draws in
and the night draws down
on everything
but whimpers

2007-11-06T11:54:00.001Z

Put to death the flesh
that seeks to deny you the corporeal,
that temps you with the scent of angel thighs
between which a mortal man will wish to die,
mortify the flesh
that lies

so they said before the latest mission
from Darfur to south Kordofan,
rapid reaction to stupid admission
from the reckless rebellion of everyman
"We will target your oil and your engineers",
they might just as well have sent a suicide note
so those of us with dis-livelihood careers
dispatch unto them the Western vote:
the ballot is a bullet,
when all is said and done,
when we tear away from angel thighs
and crash to earth to mortify the flesh,
and flesh is lies,
So this is how the war is won
for flesh is lies,
I am a killer and I will show you earthly love,
I am a lover and I will show you death.

2007-10-24T15:20:00.000+01:00

this is love
I take it all as an act of grace that your body seems
perfect in every place
for all I want from you is your heart and soul,
nothing more than your being, whole,
and I give to you all that I can do,
I write some songs,
I right some wrongs,
and the money is all yours

I wanted her love,
and I have it,
so it is true in the end.
A woman can fill that god shaped hole
if that woman happens to be divine.

I'll run away with her to Morocco
hide among the ruins of Benthala
write the account of the massacre but keep a novel in secret
running under the desk of UN papers
running through our veins with music and the ocean
and all the sun drenched hungers of our youth

we talk of love as though it comes plastic-wrapped
and bite size,
disposable, replaceable,
but we both know by now
this rules our heads

In and out of love like its a cheap recurring fashion,
but I cannot stop
I am lover,
now she comes to meet me half way,
now she comes,
and this is love.

2007-10-17T23:59:00.000+01:00

when the cough comes the rupture deep within
is enough to seduce, for now
she wears my football shirt
her body pressing through the thin fabric
my swift hands upon her, orchestrating body song,
this is so much more than performance
this is creation
with artistry

we sing

2007-10-13T01:46:00.001+01:00

I am alive

I don't believe in excuses

I typed this with one hand

2007-10-08T13:17:00.000+01:00

She said

"I love you, I love you so much it scares me, and I never expected this"

She said

"I want you, I need you now, I need you to be here beside me now, and for all times"

She said

"you're perfect, I can't believe this is real, I never expected this, I can't stop smiling"

She said

"but you don't believe in God, and I love God, and I didn't see this coming"

and

she said

"I should have said something before, but I love you and I'm torn, but perhaps I shouldn't see you"

and

she said

"but I have to, I want to, it's just my head that's saying no, and now I can't stop crying"

and

she said

"I love you, but it can't happen, and I'm sorry for hurting you, this hurts me too"

and then

He said

"I touched you, but you touched me, and now your prints are burnt into my skin. I'll wear the brand of the gentle lover, the genteel lover, the gentile lover, and I will step into the flames of the desire that you left burning, like some back street fire of plastic bottles and rubber tyres, and I will be consumed."

2007-09-15T17:07:00.000+01:00

Claudine says
come celebrate my birthday
come drink with me
but I decline

Claudine is hurt
it's been so long since we were together
dancing truly hungry under false light
but one by one
I shed my childish affections
and all my childish
affectations

But honestly
now,
in the aftermath,
butterflies in my belly
when I think about her,
which I so rarely do
It makes me realise how dangerous it would be
to drink with her again

So close in the same city
she is another world
I must leave at the edge of my galaxy

New light comes through my windows
and I will be free

2007-09-13T15:04:00.000+01:00

I have an image of your body in my mind
it is very hard to forget
probably impossible
and I have a memory on my lips
of your lips

but it does not feel like it was me
it is as though another man was witness,
culprit,
lover

Whenever I have touched you,
or any other woman,
it was never real

the moment dies within itself
upon itself
and I record all for later post-mortem

This is not living
this is observation

Welcome to my observation comedy

2007-09-13T14:23:00.000+01:00

On the Eighth Day
You must learn to love the lines of my suit
my crisply ironed shirt
and the shine of my shoes
for I have reconfigured dignity, here,
on this leather couch,
where I once thrust though your breathless words,
my hands on your Eden waist,
my mouth on your Eden neck,
I am seated suited clean and crisp,
gentleman replaces gentle man,
and there is nothing to fear from serpents or gods
When your hair is combed and your soul is a pocket watch

You must learn to love the codes of my habit,
the figures and calculations of my bank statements and pay packages
all my economic estimations and rituals of dust,
for I am no longer wild in a glass
pouring my own spirit down my own neck and singing till my throat is bloodied
No,
I am kept and coiled,
arranged to the minutest measurement,
and I am seated here on this couch of sweat and lipstick and cum
to pronounce on beauty...

Beauty is no longer in the eye of the beholder
Beauty can no longer be seen
Beauty can only be dreamed

I woke up
and it was morning, on the Eighth Day

2007-09-13T14:22:00.001+01:00

Some of the boys are dead now love
they were taken under the snows of last winter
some of the boys were cold
some of them were blue in February
I took photographs
I took pulses
I took what I could before the communications cut forever

some of your veins I see
some of your veins stand up on your arms
If I pricked them with a pin they should bleed bright blue
like the eyes of some of those boys

it was okay, you know
to leave them in Winter
and anyway,
here in the Summer we are not expected to look back on them

I never encounter anything that makes me feel ill
no grease on your body or scum in the tub
i do not eat
i only drink
I never consume anything I wouldn't want to paint
I fall in love all the time you know,
and I fucked in Paris for a good forty years or so
before they built the first MacDo

So you see everything rotten was covered in the snows
was buried in the cold and nobody should unturn the Winter stones,
they are markers for graves

let them nihlate

I see your perfect brown body
I see your perfect young skin and I am a Divine Lifetime away from that desolate
landscape of blue heaven and blinding white Barren

I touch you and I am touched
broken in just the right way as to be fixed
and weeping,
stronger with every tear some kind of Man you make me love,
some kind of man of hot blood never
knowing cold,
never seen in early morning frost
last breath steaming from cracked lips
never
ever

I find it strange what I've become
once so stern in love
I would not touch like this
I would not hold you so much
I would not seek your lips

I find it strange what I've become
once so disciplined and kept
now I cannot keep away from you
my arms around you
I never let you go
perhaps even I'll smother you

...and then you become another, no longer Lover
but killer
are you looking back over the White Expanse?
Are you pulling back the lids on the eyes I closed
on the many fallen men rigid in the honest snows?
You heartless, heartless Beauty
that tears from me my strong young heart
and drains from me my hot young blood
my veins are blue
but empty now,
and you,
clothed and with a company of sweating eager men,
you should know that it is not okay to leave me here
with my bright blue eyes
in the Winter that has always followed
your first heated kiss

2007-09-12T03:45:00.000+01:00

Yes, perhaps I am drunk
and perhaps it is 3.45 am
but still,
I am clever
in my way

I have the most beautiful Indian lover
I think I could easily grow to love her
but still,
when I stop for breath,
my heart longs for Claudine

Claudine,
you fucking nightmare,
I should have slept with you again.

And then there is Grace,
who begs me for a night.

It all comes at the wrong time
but I am lucky never to be alone
a beautiful woman always in my bed
and now
this most beautiful woman
stroking my hair
telling me
I am forgiven

I am in heaven and hell