They tell me to step back,
keep my distance,
concede defeat.
This is not my instinct.
I am inclined to pursue her still.
Seek out another night,
more drinks,
have her in my bed again,
and somehow
finesse my way to grace.
It's a delusion,
they say.
I have to trust them.
My judgements are unreliable now.
I'm losing the stand-off.
I was never winning.
I want revenge.
I want to win.
She keeps invading my dreams.
In my dreams,
I resolve everything.
I hate to walk away.
I despise surrender with all my heart.
But dignity...
Dignity,
they say.
So I call it.
I go against myself
and cut her off.
She may resent me.
I may resent myself.
But cut off this limb
before the infection spreads.
I am taking action.
I am claiming a small victory.
For dignity.
I love her.
I attempt now to obliterate her.
Let this love turn to disdain.
5 comments:
Dignity is overrated. It doesn't assuage the cancer of regret.
Ah shit.
You're right.
I was seeking certainty. Resolve. Hoping it would mean peace.
There's no peace.
I'm just no good on this side of the battle.
"I'm just no good on this side of the battle."
Me neither. I read that post and thought "yes" and then realised that I'm useless at the obliteration and disdain. It's very annoying.
(I also recommend trying only one bout of inevitably failed obliteration and disdain at a time. I've just added a third to the previous ongoing two, and it really plays havoc with the inside of your head.)
Kill it or be killed.
I can't kill it.
(One losing battle is causing enough havoc. I can't begin to imagine what two more would do)
Unfortunately, I think I demonstrated what it would be like the other day.
Yeah, won't be doing that again.
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