Now that I am making the long walk up the hill,
back to sit on my throne,
my heart is heavy as a stone.
My smile is evidently a lie.
My flirtations are empty again,
and so,
harmless to me,
deadly.

I miss the magic.
I miss the wondering.
But I am relieved to be free of humility
and loss.
Back in familiar territory,
King again,
I obliterate loneliness by royal decree,
sate my appetite with power.

I cannot pretend that survival is some form of victory.
I cannot pretend that a stone heart is a strong heart,
or that not drowning is the same as living.
But I am, at least, relieved to be back in familiar territory.
I am, at least, in this way relieved.

I do know
that it is not enough.