tonight
i would take a knife to my throat
cut through the sun touched skin
take away everything
take away nothing

tonight, Marianne
i would pay the bill of my cold room
in the hotel in Reykjavik
the precise sum of your casual affection
the exact cost of your selfish affection.

tonight, Lydia
i would end the silence of this bed
and bring again the screams
that have been sorely missing
since I cast you off
a moment ago
an age ago.

tonight, Anna
i would bring to completion
your great unfinished orgasm
with your bite marks on my neck
spelling sorrow
I would steal your coveted undoing of tomorrow.

tonight, Full Moon
oh fear of my soul
oh destroyer of my power
tonight, Full Moon
with the memory of your lost honour
your writhing body, your gasping coming
I would fuck myself

tonight, Claudine
oh lost love,
oh sweet friend,
I would disappoint you

tonight, Amie
I would come as distant news
and you would struggle for pity
I would offer this as penance
forgive me for never wanting you

tonight, Stephanie,
I would come to you as infant love
and you would struggle for meaning
but I am a photograph of distant past
Stephanie,
there was nothing more to come.

tonight, Anneline,
I would appeal to God
that you would be an angel
that you might descend from some Swiss heaven
that you might hold me to your Swiss bosom
but of course,
it would be no good.
I would only get an erection.

tonight,
oh God,
I would slash myself
to hide from the promises I broke
and the promises I have no power to make
Oh God,
I would take the blade
if only

if only it took a single thing away
or helped a single soul