it makes me feel sick
remembering it
your grazed knees
and tears which fell
pathetically
upon my shirt
many things that I recall
still hurt

like his trembling hands
when I looked him in the eyes
and threatened to break his bones
or the touch of your best friend's lips
when I kissed her by accident
and she tried to take me home
or the look in your eyes on that Christmas night
when I thought I didn't need you
you were scared and lonely
and I knew you were hungry
I let you suffer, then I came to your rescue
god I wish you looked at me that way now

and what makes me sick
is the time I've wasted
procrastinating
and trying to work out how you felt
as though it even mattered
because now that I am ruined
and every memory of you tastes bitter
I think
why work with craft and be this gentle
why let you escape
unharmed?

I do not want to hurt you
I want to consume you
I want to go back
to when you were nervous around me
and aching for my words
I want you drunk
when you lose your restraint
and let on more than you would want to
I want you naked in my bed
trembling and honest
ready to give risk a winning chance
I want you, Claudine,
in each of my sad empires
I want you, Claudine,
to face up to the truth

I do not want to hurt you,
I just want you